We've all been there...
We're on the drugs or waiting for our bodies to cooperate or are just getting past seeing good 'ol Aunt Flo rear her ugly head again - when suddenly we're on Facebook or get a call from a friend or relative..."We're Pregnant - aren't you just over the moon happy for us?!!!!"
For the most part, I have taken these announcements in stride. I've been happy for my friends and family and convinced myself that our turn will come someday and I'll be on the other end. Yesterday, though, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do as part of this journey...
To qualify for adoption, we were required to take a newborn care class. Yes, I guess we could have had someone come to our house to do the class privately, but we live about 2 miles from a hospital and they were offering a class on Saturday - so it seemed convenient and easy.
The instructor opened the class with "Hi! Welcome. Let's all introduce ourselves and tell the class what we're having and when we're due!" Everyone in the class was pregnant - EVEN THE INSTRUCTOR (an RN who works in the maternity ward who's due in April with her second)! Not one single other adoptive couple out of the 20 couples in the class. Talk about feeling like a freakish alien with three heads, six arms and nine legs! It was so humiliating...
The one redeeming fact was that after class, we got to talk to talk to the instructor one-on-one about some resources to start spreading the word. She gave us the names of several people to contact who may be able to help us find a birth mother.
I'm a little hesitant (but at the same time, immensely impatient) to begin advertising, but clearly I need to wait to:
1. Ensure our approval is nearly finished because it would be terrible to find a birth mom who is giving birth very soon / gave birth very recently and not be able to finalize the adoption because our paperwork isn't done yet.
2. See what happens with our FET. It would be a true miracle if the Lovenox is the thing that will help us...
We had our second homestudy earlier this week (which was strange because the director did most of the talking) and have our third (and final pre-adoption one) scheduled for mid-March. This means that we should be eligible to be shown to prospective birth moms in late-March / early April.
In the meantime, I am getting all my ducks-in-a-row - established an 800 number, building a website, creating ad flyers, etc. In early April, I'll no doubt be ready to hit the ground running with our own birth mom search. Performing these tasks is helping me keep my sanity because it's the few things in this process that I can control.
Each year, I invite my friends to join us to try out a new restaurant for our city's restaurant week. Last night, we went to a wonderful little gourmet restaurant where they cook organically and everything is fresh from farm-to-table. It was delicious. Since everyone but one couple knew we are now pursuing adoption, I brought my profile book - because most of my friends had only seen it online. Well, guess what...the one couple who didn't know our story has started to adopt too. I was in shock...I never would have suspected it. Now I have a companion on this journey. Strange how something so painful could have happened earlier in the day, but something so wonderful happened later the same evening!
On the IVF front, I started Lupron earlier this week and took my last birth control pill FOREVER today.
So far, the lupron hasn't been too bad...my first IVF cycle, it had me wired. My "false" IVF cycle, it gave me headaches and had me tired. This time, I think I'm going back to the insomnia route - I went to bed at midnight and was wide awake at 4:15 am.
I am a little less than a month from being PUPO...c'mon March. Hurry up!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
My Stuff? No Sweat...
Throughout this process, some people have asked how I keep it together and have such a positive attitude. Especially when we've been faced so may setbacks and disappointments.
How can infertility patients be happy for family members, friends, co-workers, even strangers who seem to say "I want a baby." and POOF....almost 9 months to the day? First, I have always taken the attitude that other's people fertility has nothing to do with my situation.
Second, eveything is much easier when we focus on our "haves" and "I get to's..." instead of "Not haves" and "I have to's....". For example:
Third, I remember times like these...
Yesterday mid-morning, my husband e-mailed me at work to ask if I could leave a little early because he wanted to drive about an hour into to the mountains to have dinner at a restaurant we enjoy. With a big smile on my face, I e-mailed him back to say "Yes, sweetheart! I look forward to 'date night'! And he e-mailed me back saying..."every night is 'date night' until we have kids." This made me laugh...
Later that evening, as we drove, we crested a hill, turned a bend, and in front of us was one of the most beautiful sights - a full,. bright, gold, gleaming moon illuminating the mountains. It took my breath away and was truly awe inspiring. At one point, we pulled over to the side of the road just to admire the view (I tried to take a photo, but it didn't come out).
After a delicious dinner, we took the alternate route home - through a canyon beside a river. Again - the views of the moonlight bouncing off the water and stone were breathtaking. We were listening to a talk radio show...
A 38-year-old man called to explain that around Christmas he was diagnosed with terminal, non-operable cancer and has 6-9 months to live. His wife (who is also 38) and his entire immediate and extended family are putting tremendous pressure on him to have a baby (they have no children curently).
He called because he does not believe it is ethical to conceive a child knowing in advance that his unborn child would never even meet his biological father.
On one hand, I hope that if myself, my husband or my children were ever forced to make a similar decision, we would have the strong moral fiber and amazing compassion that this man has to stand up for his values for his unborn children and tell everyone "no - this is not going to happen."
On the other hand, I feel for his wife. Not only does she have to prepare to be without the man who was supposed to share her life forever, but now the chances of her having a child of her own have dropped considerably. Assuming she is able to recover from her husband's death, fall in love again, and start having children relatively quickly, she will be in her 40's. Many of us know how conception and 40's go together like mustard and peanut butter - sure, both foods are edible and some people may be able to choke them down together, but let's be realistic...it's not going to be an easy road.
Why do bad things happen to good people? I know...they just do...there's no answer.
Even though my husband and I have faced major disappointment in our pursuits to become parents, I would take my life any day, any New York minute over what these two people are going through.
My stuff - no sweat!
How can infertility patients be happy for family members, friends, co-workers, even strangers who seem to say "I want a baby." and POOF....almost 9 months to the day? First, I have always taken the attitude that other's people fertility has nothing to do with my situation.
Second, eveything is much easier when we focus on our "haves" and "I get to's..." instead of "Not haves" and "I have to's....". For example:
- I have a beautiful home in an area of the country where I love living. I get to keep it clean.
- I have a paycheck and get to go each day to a somewhat secure job that, despite the stress, I generally enjoy.
- I have a husband who adores me and supports most anything I desire. I get to put the toilet seat down, pick up his laundry from the floor, make dinner for him each evening and clear the table after we eat together.
- I get to greet my dogs at the door each day and give them the nourishment, exercise, and care to keep them healthy and happy.
Third, I remember times like these...
Yesterday mid-morning, my husband e-mailed me at work to ask if I could leave a little early because he wanted to drive about an hour into to the mountains to have dinner at a restaurant we enjoy. With a big smile on my face, I e-mailed him back to say "Yes, sweetheart! I look forward to 'date night'! And he e-mailed me back saying..."every night is 'date night' until we have kids." This made me laugh...
Later that evening, as we drove, we crested a hill, turned a bend, and in front of us was one of the most beautiful sights - a full,. bright, gold, gleaming moon illuminating the mountains. It took my breath away and was truly awe inspiring. At one point, we pulled over to the side of the road just to admire the view (I tried to take a photo, but it didn't come out).
After a delicious dinner, we took the alternate route home - through a canyon beside a river. Again - the views of the moonlight bouncing off the water and stone were breathtaking. We were listening to a talk radio show...
A 38-year-old man called to explain that around Christmas he was diagnosed with terminal, non-operable cancer and has 6-9 months to live. His wife (who is also 38) and his entire immediate and extended family are putting tremendous pressure on him to have a baby (they have no children curently).
He called because he does not believe it is ethical to conceive a child knowing in advance that his unborn child would never even meet his biological father.
On one hand, I hope that if myself, my husband or my children were ever forced to make a similar decision, we would have the strong moral fiber and amazing compassion that this man has to stand up for his values for his unborn children and tell everyone "no - this is not going to happen."
On the other hand, I feel for his wife. Not only does she have to prepare to be without the man who was supposed to share her life forever, but now the chances of her having a child of her own have dropped considerably. Assuming she is able to recover from her husband's death, fall in love again, and start having children relatively quickly, she will be in her 40's. Many of us know how conception and 40's go together like mustard and peanut butter - sure, both foods are edible and some people may be able to choke them down together, but let's be realistic...it's not going to be an easy road.
Why do bad things happen to good people? I know...they just do...there's no answer.
Even though my husband and I have faced major disappointment in our pursuits to become parents, I would take my life any day, any New York minute over what these two people are going through.
My stuff - no sweat!
Friday, February 11, 2011
A Head Start on Spring Cleaning...Check! Calendar...Check!
Thanks for all the warm wishes from everyone for my "bonus" D&C today. Everything went great!
My surgery was scheduled for 7:15 am (so we had to arrive at pre-crack-of-dawn o'clock) and I had the entire surgery center to myself. Lynn, my primary nurse for this procedure, even remembered me from a surgery I had in June! (You know you're officially an IVF Veteran when they remember your name...).
The surgery itself was fast and easy. The surgery was at 7:30 am, I was awake by 8:45 am and on my way home by 9:30 am. We even detoured for a scrumptious breakfast at The Original Pancake house on the way home (since they took stuff out of my body, I figured I could compensate by putting a few extra calories back in, right?). Strawberry crepes with a side of the most delicious bacon in the whole world! Yum!!!
The timing of this procedure couldn't have been better. I learned the other day that I don't have to wait three months (you only have to wait when you're pregnant (which I was last time) - not for your body to heal)!
I finished a pack of BCP's today - so I am on the super-fast-track for my next cycle and my FET is now scheduled for Friday, March 25! I was not expecting this at all - so this is exciting! We may get to hold our very own newborns in our arms before the close of 2011 after all!!! The second amazing thing is that I get to take my first BCP on Valentine's Day (can't think of a better day to "start" my cycle! The third amazing thing is that I will be on less days of Lupron! All-in-all, a win-win!
Since Dr. S will be out, Dr. Gustofson will be performing the actual transfer. As my DH said, it doesn't really matter who "pushes the plunger". They've all done it hundreds of thousands of times at this point.
For those of you interested, here is my current IVF calendar: It looks like they changed a few things from when I was supposed to cycle in January (they have me on one Prometrium and one PIO shot daily - but I am asking about if I can go back to PIO every other day and Prometrium 3X / day- and added an U/S check closer to the beginning).
Unlike my January FET, I am actually excited again. I honestly think it was seeing the u/s of Em and her DH's twinkies the other day that renewed my hope! Congratulations Em!!!
My surgery was scheduled for 7:15 am (so we had to arrive at pre-crack-of-dawn o'clock) and I had the entire surgery center to myself. Lynn, my primary nurse for this procedure, even remembered me from a surgery I had in June! (You know you're officially an IVF Veteran when they remember your name...).
The surgery itself was fast and easy. The surgery was at 7:30 am, I was awake by 8:45 am and on my way home by 9:30 am. We even detoured for a scrumptious breakfast at The Original Pancake house on the way home (since they took stuff out of my body, I figured I could compensate by putting a few extra calories back in, right?). Strawberry crepes with a side of the most delicious bacon in the whole world! Yum!!!
The timing of this procedure couldn't have been better. I learned the other day that I don't have to wait three months (you only have to wait when you're pregnant (which I was last time) - not for your body to heal)!
I finished a pack of BCP's today - so I am on the super-fast-track for my next cycle and my FET is now scheduled for Friday, March 25! I was not expecting this at all - so this is exciting! We may get to hold our very own newborns in our arms before the close of 2011 after all!!! The second amazing thing is that I get to take my first BCP on Valentine's Day (can't think of a better day to "start" my cycle! The third amazing thing is that I will be on less days of Lupron! All-in-all, a win-win!
Since Dr. S will be out, Dr. Gustofson will be performing the actual transfer. As my DH said, it doesn't really matter who "pushes the plunger". They've all done it hundreds of thousands of times at this point.
For those of you interested, here is my current IVF calendar: It looks like they changed a few things from when I was supposed to cycle in January (they have me on one Prometrium and one PIO shot daily - but I am asking about if I can go back to PIO every other day and Prometrium 3X / day- and added an U/S check closer to the beginning).
Unlike my January FET, I am actually excited again. I honestly think it was seeing the u/s of Em and her DH's twinkies the other day that renewed my hope! Congratulations Em!!!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
What's More Embarassing Than Being an IVF Patient? Admitting This...
I rarely watch TV (in fact, for a long time we didn't have cable and are seriously considering dropping it again). The rare occasions when I do, it's mostly the "geeky" shows like Frontline, Nova, the Nat Geo channel...
I do have a few "junk" shows I occasionally watch on the DVR when I find the time - Glee, So You Think You Can Dance, House Hunters (especially "HH International") and Cake Boss. If you've never seen Cake Boss before, it's about a loud, lovable Italian family who run a busy bakery in Hoboken, NJ and build over-the-top cakes for all kinds of special occasions. It's fun to keep up with "la famagila!"
Over the summer, they filmed a few episodes in Tuscany and Rome. Secretly, the "main character" (Buddy) and his wife each told the producers they wouldn't mind having another child. So, last night I finally catch up on an episode from October and the first scene was of the wife at a 10-week ultrasound (this will be their 4th child)! The rest of the episode focused on the DH "secretly" designing a cake to announce the news to the rest of the family. It was an amazing cake - a 3' stork holding an almost life-size baby in a blanket.
I generally don't get jealous of other people's pregnancies (we all know we've been through enough "announcements" and have to see the "so-and-so" is having "so-and-so's" baby every time we check out at the grocery store) - and I feel ridiculous - but it bothered me. Isn't this just absurd?!! Ha, ha...I have to laugh at myself.
Talked to Dr. S today and we are moving forward! He agreed that after the D&C, it makes sense to go through one AF and then jump right into the FET. I am not exactly clear yet what that means in terms of timing, but I will know soon...
I do have a few "junk" shows I occasionally watch on the DVR when I find the time - Glee, So You Think You Can Dance, House Hunters (especially "HH International") and Cake Boss. If you've never seen Cake Boss before, it's about a loud, lovable Italian family who run a busy bakery in Hoboken, NJ and build over-the-top cakes for all kinds of special occasions. It's fun to keep up with "la famagila!"
Over the summer, they filmed a few episodes in Tuscany and Rome. Secretly, the "main character" (Buddy) and his wife each told the producers they wouldn't mind having another child. So, last night I finally catch up on an episode from October and the first scene was of the wife at a 10-week ultrasound (this will be their 4th child)! The rest of the episode focused on the DH "secretly" designing a cake to announce the news to the rest of the family. It was an amazing cake - a 3' stork holding an almost life-size baby in a blanket.
I generally don't get jealous of other people's pregnancies (we all know we've been through enough "announcements" and have to see the "so-and-so" is having "so-and-so's" baby every time we check out at the grocery store) - and I feel ridiculous - but it bothered me. Isn't this just absurd?!! Ha, ha...I have to laugh at myself.
Talked to Dr. S today and we are moving forward! He agreed that after the D&C, it makes sense to go through one AF and then jump right into the FET. I am not exactly clear yet what that means in terms of timing, but I will know soon...
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A Perfect Winter's Day...
As I sit here and type, I'm in our living room looking through our floor-to-ceiling windows over our neighborhood. A fresh, fluffy, clean white coat of snow is falling, the dogs are curled up near my feet sleeping like puppies and chasing squirrels in their dreams, my DH is cleaning out his "cave" in the basement, the wood stove is crackling and blazing and the house is filled with the delicious aroma of homemade chicken stock (to make a batch of chicken noodle soup and cream-of-broccoli soup later today). Although I have work to catch-up on today (it was one heck of a week last week and the sub-zero, icy weather that tripled my 45-minute commute home every day this week didn't help), I have no where I "have" to be...it's the perfect winter day. Although having my child sitting in my lap and reading stories together today would just be an added bonus...someday, I know.
Movement on Two Fronts - FET and Adoption
We all have our weaknesses and one of mine is patience. Even as a little girl, I never liked to wait.
I appreciate that my Dr. took some time-off this week and I hope he feels re-energized when he returns on Monday. I know he works long, long hours, sees many, many patients each day and know he works very hard. When we went in for our ODWU, we didn't meet with him until close to 5:00 in the evening. Although he was yawning, he stayed with us until about 6:30 pm to answer all our questions. Now that we're on the "other side" of this process, I bet that he probably started his day around 7:00 am or earlier. That's a long day...
Anyway, since I hadn't heard back from my nurse, I took matters into my own hands and called the surgery scheduler to ensure that I could get onto the schedule soon. Remembering how few openings they had for my rescheduled FET, I didn't want to have to wait and wait and wait for the D&C. Even though we are still waiting on many answers from the Dr, my D&C is scheduled for this coming Friday - so I feel like at least I am headed in the right direction again. If I figure correctly, we'll have a January or February baby and that wouldn't be so bad (see, there I go - thinking about the future again...hello impatience!).
This past Thursday, my husband and I met with our coordinator for our first of three required home studies for our adoption. The meeting was at a bookstore close to our home, so I left work early. Due to the snow, it took me 45 minutes to get onto the highway and I was 45 minutes late. Fortunately, my husband and the coordinator both arrived on-time and got started.
She asked us many of the same questions we had been asked on our paperwork - how did we meet, how long did we date, what is our home like, why do we want to adopt, what is our marriage like, etc.
I could tell that she could read us very quickly. For example, when she asked us "What role do you play in the marriage? Does one of you consider yourself more the 'head of household'? She then said, "I bet you're equal partners, right?" And that's exactly how we would have answered the question. We make all of our major decisions together and don't sweat the small stuff (and, a majority of it is just that - small stuff).
She gushed over our adoption book - so I took that as a good sign. I don't get the impression she does that for everyone.
We go for a 16-hour training session next weekend and have our second of three home studies (where we'll discuss our parenting styles) the following week.
We are continuing to attend our county's foster-care training and I think it's a good thing. Although most of it is common-sense, some of it is good to review. For example, this past week's session was all about discipline. One of our exercises was to watch a speech about using "choices" as a teaching and disciplinary method. For example, instead of yelling, calmly tell the kids have a choice...they can choose to fight in the back seat of the car or they can choose not to watch TV for the night. After seven straight days of "choosing" no TV - their decision (and behavior) changed...all on their own.
So, things are moving right along...little bit, by little bit.
Oh, and totally off-topic...if I didn't already have a steamer and my VERY favorite kitchen appliance - a Blendtec - sitting right on my counter already, this would be the #1 item on my "new baby" shopping list...a Beaba Babycook. Absolutely brilliant!
Movement on Two Fronts - FET and Adoption
We all have our weaknesses and one of mine is patience. Even as a little girl, I never liked to wait.
I appreciate that my Dr. took some time-off this week and I hope he feels re-energized when he returns on Monday. I know he works long, long hours, sees many, many patients each day and know he works very hard. When we went in for our ODWU, we didn't meet with him until close to 5:00 in the evening. Although he was yawning, he stayed with us until about 6:30 pm to answer all our questions. Now that we're on the "other side" of this process, I bet that he probably started his day around 7:00 am or earlier. That's a long day...
Anyway, since I hadn't heard back from my nurse, I took matters into my own hands and called the surgery scheduler to ensure that I could get onto the schedule soon. Remembering how few openings they had for my rescheduled FET, I didn't want to have to wait and wait and wait for the D&C. Even though we are still waiting on many answers from the Dr, my D&C is scheduled for this coming Friday - so I feel like at least I am headed in the right direction again. If I figure correctly, we'll have a January or February baby and that wouldn't be so bad (see, there I go - thinking about the future again...hello impatience!).
This past Thursday, my husband and I met with our coordinator for our first of three required home studies for our adoption. The meeting was at a bookstore close to our home, so I left work early. Due to the snow, it took me 45 minutes to get onto the highway and I was 45 minutes late. Fortunately, my husband and the coordinator both arrived on-time and got started.
She asked us many of the same questions we had been asked on our paperwork - how did we meet, how long did we date, what is our home like, why do we want to adopt, what is our marriage like, etc.
I could tell that she could read us very quickly. For example, when she asked us "What role do you play in the marriage? Does one of you consider yourself more the 'head of household'? She then said, "I bet you're equal partners, right?" And that's exactly how we would have answered the question. We make all of our major decisions together and don't sweat the small stuff (and, a majority of it is just that - small stuff).
She gushed over our adoption book - so I took that as a good sign. I don't get the impression she does that for everyone.
We go for a 16-hour training session next weekend and have our second of three home studies (where we'll discuss our parenting styles) the following week.
We are continuing to attend our county's foster-care training and I think it's a good thing. Although most of it is common-sense, some of it is good to review. For example, this past week's session was all about discipline. One of our exercises was to watch a speech about using "choices" as a teaching and disciplinary method. For example, instead of yelling, calmly tell the kids have a choice...they can choose to fight in the back seat of the car or they can choose not to watch TV for the night. After seven straight days of "choosing" no TV - their decision (and behavior) changed...all on their own.
So, things are moving right along...little bit, by little bit.
Oh, and totally off-topic...if I didn't already have a steamer and my VERY favorite kitchen appliance - a Blendtec - sitting right on my counter already, this would be the #1 item on my "new baby" shopping list...a Beaba Babycook. Absolutely brilliant!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Forever and a Day...(WARNING - SELECTIVE REDUCTION MENTIONED)
Talked with my nurse late yesterday afternoon and she has no idea why my uterus suddenly decided to go to crap. Why does this whole process have to be full of "I don't knows..."? Haven't we suffered through enough already?
We are waiting to hear back from the doctor and hoping he will agree to proceed with a D&C. Assuming this is a possibility, it will take another three months for my body to heal (and then we have to hope my uterus cooperates). We also asked about transferring three embryos and the nurse said that in very, very rare cases like mine - where I've experienced so much failure already - he will consider it - but only if we sign papework agreeing to selective reduction if all three take.
We haven't made a definite decision yet. Fortunately, my husband is agreeable either way and is mostly leaving the decision up to me...
On one hand, with all I've been through I wonder if transferring 3 would give us a beter shot at 1 or 2 surviving. On the other hand, I've always wondered if a "disappearing" embryo impacts the others. There seems to be research that supports either theory.
In any case, our child won't be born until sometime in 2012 at the earliest. 2012, 2012, 2012...will it ever get here? Being that we barely started 2011, 2012 seems like forever and a day.
We are waiting to hear back from the doctor and hoping he will agree to proceed with a D&C. Assuming this is a possibility, it will take another three months for my body to heal (and then we have to hope my uterus cooperates). We also asked about transferring three embryos and the nurse said that in very, very rare cases like mine - where I've experienced so much failure already - he will consider it - but only if we sign papework agreeing to selective reduction if all three take.
We haven't made a definite decision yet. Fortunately, my husband is agreeable either way and is mostly leaving the decision up to me...
On one hand, with all I've been through I wonder if transferring 3 would give us a beter shot at 1 or 2 surviving. On the other hand, I've always wondered if a "disappearing" embryo impacts the others. There seems to be research that supports either theory.
In any case, our child won't be born until sometime in 2012 at the earliest. 2012, 2012, 2012...will it ever get here? Being that we barely started 2011, 2012 seems like forever and a day.