Thank You Great Uncle F - A Tribute to a Legacy

One year ago this week is very vivid in my mind...
In November 2010, we suffered our fourth miscarriage and my body and spirit were broken. Night after night I cried myself to sleep and  would break out into inconsolable tears during the day too. I had hit rock-bottom and was convinced that hiring a surrogate or adoption was the only way we could ever start our family. This would mean $30 - $75K or more in addition to the money we had already spent the last four years.

Having spent a good deal of savings on our previous attempts to get pregnant, in early December, I swallowed my pride and asked my great uncle to help us finance the costs of going down one of these two paths. I had never asked him for anything in my life - but knew having the chance to hold a newborn in my arms was important enough. One week later he sent us a generous check - not anywhere near enough to cover these costs, but enough to help and give us hope.



If we went the surrogate route, there were still no guarantees. Yes, we could use our frozen embryos - but at the time we had to make decisions about how to proceed, we still suffered from "unexplained infertility and had no answers about why we failed time and time again. Was it due to a male factor where technology isn't yet advanced enough to discover?

Adoption was not a clear answer either. I realize fairy tales do come true and many adoptions go smooth, but I had also read and been told the hard reality of scenarios gone sour. Couples who had baby dreams only to be bilked out of their savings by a woman who never had any intention of giving up her child, a couple who took their baby home only to have it ripped out of their arms weeks or months later, or a mother who swore she never used drugs during the pregnancy only to have it come out many years later she had gone into rehab within months of her pregnancy.

I don't know which uncertainty was worse - the uncertainty that if I tried again with my uterus, I could suffer a miscarriage, if we hired a surrogate it still might not work, or if we pursued adoption we could have our hopes and dreams dashed once again. I was caught between two rocks and a hard place.

We finally decided to pursue two routes - I would try one more time with Lovenox but we would also begin applying to qualify for adoption. Somehow, some way, I was DETERMINED to hold our baby in our arms by New Years Eve 2011.

One year ago this week, my Great Uncle F passed at the age of 93. As my Mom said at the funeral, "93 is a long time, but it wasn't nearly long enough."

I wish he could have lived one last year so he could have seen the miracle he left as one of his many legacies. Although F is named after him, I regret my uncle never got to look into F's and G's deep blue eyes and vice-versa - even if it was via a picture or video over the Internet. In lieu of this, I hope there is a heaven and he is able to smile down from above and see the amazing difference he made in our lives.

Thank you Uncle F and may you still be resting in peace!
 

Catching Up

I know I have been away for my blog for quite some time. I wish it weren't that way...

I returned to work on Friday, January 6th to the news that my company had purchased not one, but TWO companies. One I knew about before I left, but the other was a complete surprise. Needless to say I had to jump right back into work and it's been like trying to take a sip of water from a fire hose ever since.

The Twinks are growing so fast! Tomorrow they will be ten weeks. F has now outgrown his newborn clothes and G isn't too far behind.

My friend's Mom came by to take some pictures of them at seven weeks:

F still makes "O's" and kissy faces and they are both smiling a bit more each day. G is starting to intentionally bat at the toys on her bouncy seat and F is discovering his tongue and having fun "tasting the universe."

They have their two-month check-up later today - so I don't know their height or weight, but if I had to guess, I'd say F weighs 10-11 lbs and G is getting close to the 10 lb mark.

Lately, they have been sleeping for longer stretches at a time - G went from 10:30 pm until 5:00 am last night! Yahoo! I don't think it will be long before they are both consistently sleeping for eight hours or more. F is my "morning guy" - when he wakes up, he is UP and ready to take on his day. "Where's breakfast Mom?" is clearly his first thought each day. G wakes up more slowly - doing her ballerina moves in slow-motion as she slowly eases out of her slumber.

Currently, F's two favorite things in the whole world are to sit in a warm bath and to have his tush blow-dried. Yes, blow-dried. Our pediatrician recommended that after we change him, we blow-dry his bottom to prevent diaper rash. So far, it's worked like a charm - no red, sore butts anywhere in sight!

It's still so incredible being a Mom and I am loving every minute of it!

A Difficult Post - Returning to Work

As I write this post, I have a heavy heart. I am glad I have this outlet where I can show my true colors and express my honest opinions. Thank you.

Tomorrow will be exactly eight weeks since the twins were born, and the day I am going back to work. I have been dreading this day for the past month and can't believe it came so quickly.

For a very long time, I have listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's show. While I don't agree with all her opinions, I do find wisdom and motivation in her words and the advice she gives to some of her callers. Once in a while, she has a commentary or call that impacts me deeply. Yesterday was that kind of day.

It was close to 60 degrees outside, so I packed up the Twinks and took them for a walk. At the beginning of the hour she commented on this essay:

http://www.babble.com/baby/baby-care/jealous-nanny/

I wish I could link to the commentary, but I don't believe I can, so I will try to summarize what I remember.

Basically, her position is that as double-income parents, our society does not value women as stay-at-home Moms. There is a huge amount of pressure for us to return to work after our kids are born. We think we can outsource our child care and expect our kids to forget that we weren't there for the "important" moments.

She does understand a Mom going to work when it's necessary to put food on the table or put a roof over the family's head, but do we really need to go back to work to afford dinners out, fancy cars, etc?

I listened to her words with a keen ear and I felt like she were talking directly to me. I admit that I have fallen into the same "material trap" and am hating myself for it.

Having spent just about every minute of the last eight weeks with our babies, I can honestly say that I have never been happier. I love being able to discover things about my kids - like earlier this week when I took my pediatrician's advice and blow dried F's tushie for 20 seconds to prevent diaper rash. He was so happy that you would have thought I let him loose in a candy store!

In all honesty, Dr. Laura is right - we can't expect to outsource our child care and, when both the nanny and mommy are both there when a kid get a boo-boo, have our kids turn to us first. At most, I will be spending a few minutes in the morning and a couple hours with them in the evening before bed, while my nanny will be with them all day - going to the park, attending story time at the library, giggling during time on the play mat.

In the essay, there are two points that hit home the most:

1. When the author explains that she feels like she's working so she can financially support someone else to live the life she feels that she should be living. This is a valid point and I have thought if, by going back to work, I am doing the same thing.

2. In the last paragraph when she talks about pretending the knees in the picture to be her own. The fact is they are not...and they never will be. Brainwashing herself to make it better isn't going to change the situation.

Why am I returning to work then? Because, like so many other mid-40's men, my DH is terrified of supporting four people on only one income. In his defense, I can understand the enormous amount of pressure this puts on him. In this economy, no job is "safe" (even if you own your own company) and if he were to lose his job, he believes it would be difficult to find another.

Right now, I make a little less than half of our income - so to not work would mean we'd have to change our lifestyle significantly.

We did agree that if I did find it unbearable, he would be open to me quitting, but he wanted me to try to return first - so I agreed.

Although my job is fast-paced and stressful (what job isn't these days?), I do generally enjoy my position and the projects I get to lead. Throughout 2011, I had the chance to manage projects that had a direct impact on our P&L and exposed me to the highest levels of our corporate management. I can now confidently say that even the CEO of our entire organization knows me by name.

While no job is "safe," I am with a company that has continually been growing in this economy. I also know I am severely missed - which is further evidenced by the fact that my boss and her boss (our Chief Marketing Officer) granted me an exception to work from home two days a week (no one else at my site is permitted to do this).

What does our future hold? I guess we'll have to wait and see.