More Amazing Work By Our Photographer

With the twins growing so fast, I didn't want to miss remembering them just as they are today. So, we did a three hour photo shoot with the same photographer who did our newborn shots. Once again, she did amazing and beautiful work.

For those of you who are contemplating using donor eggs and wondering if you'll ever regret that your children won't have your genetics...take one look at these pictures and imagine how I must feel knowing these are OUR children. Had we never lived in this amazing day and age, these pictures would have never existed.

I am such a proud Mommy and can't wait to see all of the pictures!

Cry at the Top of Your Lungs - It's OK

Last night my husband had to work late, so I brought the Twinks to book club with me.

So far, EVERY time we have taken them out, they have been on their very best behavior - either sleeping through the outing or smiling and cooing. Last night my luck ran out.

As soon as we entered my friend's house, they both started wailing at full volume. No matter what me or my girlfriends tried - snuggling, feeding, rocking, back-patting, burping - nothing seemed to matter. I was out of my very best tricks and both Twinks were miserable.

After about an hour, G finally calmed down. So, I scooped F up in my arms and took him for a short walk outside, but as soon as he reentered my friend's house, he was inconsolable again.

I have no doubt that a baby's senses are heightened - especially their smell and hearing. The fact that a newborn can smell when it's snuggled against mommy and knows when to suckle only further proves this point. Also, when my dogs suddenly bark, both babies wave their hands in startled surprised. I wonder if they smelled my friend's cats (even though I could not) and that's what set them off. I guess I'll never know.

Today, I was relaying last night's experience to a co-worker who asked me about the Twinks. He told me that his church sponsors programs in a church in South Korea and they will often work with parents who defected from North Korea with their infants or young children. In doing this work, they noticed that the infants they never cry. Why? Not because they don't know how, but because the babies have been trained to be ignored and know that crying will illicit no response. When the church starts to work with these families, one of their first goals is to get the babies to cry because they know that it's when their work is starting to make an impact.

So, the next time your little one throws a fit and you are short of patience, I hope you will remember this story and rejoice that your baby trusts you enough to cry and let you comfort them.

When I Grow Up...

This is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.

4 Year Old Son - Dad, I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up.

Dad  - "Yessssssss!"

4 Year Old Son  - ...or a dinosaur.

Speaking of dinosaurs...here we are waking up this morning. Mom doesn't dress us alike, but since I outgrew my first set of dino sleep-n-plays in 3 weeks...Mom bought me new ones and my sis got my hand-me-downs.

Coming Full Circle to My Very First Post

When someone starts reading my blog, I assume you found your way here from somewhere else and start reading from the point at which you discovered this page. If you read one of the posts from last week about embryo adoption, you might have seen Auntie Em's reply and related post on her own blog about donating her embryos:

http://ccrmtwins.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/a-surreal-problem-to-have/

Em is one of the most amazing people I know. I am honored to have met her IRL and she continues to be an inspiration to me. She loves her daughters to the end of the earth and finds joy in the tiniest of pleasures. Thinking of her makes me smile.

Em's post got me to thinking that even though we all have dreams, visions and expectations of our future children, we never know what life will bring us.

Nothing is a better example of this than the blog, written by Kelle Hampton, that I referenced in my very first post on this blog.

If you are brave enough to risk reading a story that may change your life and leave you with tears streaming down your face, I encourage you to read Kelle's very first post - The birth story of Nella Cordelia:

http://www.kellehampton.com/p/nellas-birth-story.html

I have never read anything more raw or honest.

To me, Kelle's writing style is similar to what I experience when I am at a museum across the world gazing at a masterpiece I've long admired only in books. I will look at it closely to appreciate each detail and brush stroke, step back to take in the full view, try to picture the artist gazing at his subject and mixing his paints over-and-over again to obtain the exact hue to capture a moment in time.

When I read Kelle's blog entries, it's as if I can envision her sitting in front of a huge basket, picking out word after word and throwing back the one's that don't precisely capture her thoughts. It's how I aspire to write.

What makes her blog even more spectacular are the moments she captures with her camera. A father lifting his son against a periwinkle sky dotted with cotton-like clouds; a closeup of tiny fingers ending in pink-painted nails curled around the pinkie of a wrinkled hand; a little girl dancing in the rain oblivious to anything else, one of her daughters showing sheer bliss bare-footed in a dress with her arms stretched overhead and a smile on her face so large that her eyes are fully closed.

Thank you, Em, for reminding me about Kelle's blog. I am going to try to remember to check it more often as a reminder of how beautiful life can be when we open our hearts to the unexpected.

On an unrelated note, F has been chewing his bottles lately, so I decided to try giving him some rice cereal. Even though this picture doesn't capture the moment, he likes it...he really likes it!

Do You Live Far From Work? How Do You Do It?

We received some disappointing news late last week that has me very concerned. I could use some advice, please.

When we first accepted job transfers to Denver, my DH and I were both working downtown in the same building. Having come from one of the worst areas for traffic in the country, a "must have" for our home was a short commute. So, despite our realtor pushing us toward homes in the "suburban" planned-unit-subdivision area of town, we decided we didn't want the long commute and "cookie-cutter house, soccer mom" lifestyle and moved west of town.

The west has small-to-modest sized, older homes on larger lots sprinkled among "gentleman's farms" and green space. In some cases, like our home, families "scraped" and rebuilt on the lot. So, although we are 10 minutes from the city and have all the amenities found in a newer home, when I look out my kitchen window I see horses. I can also buy fresh eggs from another neighbor and walk three blocks to a beautiful park with a lake and nature preserve. Can you tell I love living here?

Two years ago, my division of the company split and my office moved closer to the "subdivision" side of town. My commute went from 20 minutes to 50-90 minutes (or even more some days, depending on traffic). Because my DH is still working downtown, we managed it. He can get home in time to relieve our nanny or run home if there is an emergency.

Over time, my DH's company has pulled out of Denver and we've known for a few years that they planned release their current office space and retain a "satellite" office. Since my DH works for another office, we were also told that he would have a permanent desk at the satellite office. The other day, they announced a move date in July. Guess where? A few blocks from my office.

On the plus side, we can commute together again. However, the challenges brought about by this news have me concerned.

• My nanny works long hours already (7 am - 5:30 pm) and extending her hours (even with more pay) may not be feasible. If we move closer to our offices, we may lose her altogether since her commute will be longer.
• If there is an emergency, it takes longer for one of us to rush home.
• If we were to move to that side of town, we couldn't afford a house as spacious or modern as the one we are living in now.
• We have NO family in town.

I know many of you live far from where you work. Please tell me, how do you do it? How do you balance it all?

Dear Jack...Wherever You Are

Today I was in an upscale area of town and had some time to kill, so I stopped by Goodwill. In the past I have found some great things here, like a Zutano jacket for $1.50 and a handmade horse:




Today, I came across this adorable and fun book for $0.50:




(I am not sure what a potato pan is...so if you know, please tell me.)
Inside are cute pictures like this one:




It wasn't until after I got it home that I noticed this in the front cover:




In case you can't read it, it says:
For Jack,
For your Palindrome Birthday
10-02-2001
I hope you have fun with these!
Love From
Your Nana
So, here's an eleven-year-old boy who received a special birthday gift that his Nana put lots of thought into, and Mom or Dad decided it was junk. How sad.
Because we waited until we were older to have kids, our kids may not get to know their grandparents, because they are all older. Therefore, if their Nana bought them such a special gift for their birthday, I would save it with a picture of Nana on that day until they are older, so they'd know how much they were adored.
____________
Dear Jack,
If you come across this, please tell your Nana we think she is the best gift-giver ever and get in touch with us so we can give you back your special gift to remember her by.
Love,
The Twinkies




PS - We have something in common. Our birthday is a palindrome too!

What is Love?

Back in the 80's, Howard Jones posed the question "What is Loooooooovvvveee Anyway?" Every now and then, we have one of those "ah-ha" moments and today I would like to share one with you. Believe it or not, it's not even about the Twinks!

A number of years ago, a friend asked my husband and I to join a bowling league with her and her husband. Not only was it an excuse to get out of the house, but it was something we found we enjoyed doing together. When we moved to Denver, we did not know anyone - so we joined a league again. They matched us up with a 19-year old boy who also liked to bowl and didn't have a team either. After a few weeks, he said his mom wanted to join us to.

Fast forward four years and she has become one of my very best friends. No, more like family. I know that we have a standing invitation to her house on Christmas Eve and she was one of my biggest cheerleaders during our IF struggles. It's like an angel brought her into my life.

Her son (who I'll call Jake) was 20 when he started dating a 19-year-old single mom with a two-year-old daughter. Both my friend and I were quite upset. Like most women our age, we immediately jumped to conclusions about this girl and her intentions (and I can honestly say, they weren't complimentary). Personally, my fear was that she would get pregnant again and, since Jake tires of girls pretty quickly, here would be another baby with no daddy.

Now that two years have passed, I am surprised by how life has played out.

Jake has accepted responsibility for his girlfriend's daughter and loves her more than life itself. He talks about all the fun times they have together and how he can't wait until next year, when she'll be old enough to start to learn to snowboard. He takes her to school, plays with her in the park, is teaching her to throw a baseball and kisses her to sleep. He has really stepped-up to the challenge and, even though they are not married, have become a family that I think will be inseparable for a long, long time.

This past Christmas, I needed a nanny for Thursdays and I knew his girlfriend did this work on the side. I still held some of my biases, but I also knew that my friend got to know her better and I saw how good she was with her own daughter. To me it was less risky than hiring someone blind off the Internet. Also, knowing I would be home (but working), put my mind at ease a bit.

Over the past few months, I have gotten to know her much better and have since done a complete 180. I won't go into the details here, but it's suffice to say that the childhood her and her eight half-brothers and sisters experienced could easily be one of those stories that makes news headlines. I am sure Child Protective Services knew their house well, very well.

On Wednesday, I received a call from my friend to tell me the little girl was with her and my "Thursday nanny" was in the hospital with EColi. She had eaten some bad pork and it was pretty serious. She is going to be ok, but she may be in the hospital through the weekend before they will allow her to come home.

Last night I went to see her and tears started streaming down her face. Her boyfriend is out of town for work for the month and, aside from her daughter and my friend (who has become more like a mother to her than her own mother) she has no one. She was so touched that I came.

Yes...this is love.

Embryo Donation - Thank You for a Different Perspective on Selecting a Donor Family

One of the women who read my blog, responded to me privately with the following note. I hope that she doesn't mind me sharing her words of wisdom...

[I] was thinking about what you said, about how to choose the right family when donating the snowbabies, and I had an epiphany this morning. I realized that no one asked whether my DH and I were the perfect family to donate [eggs] to. Our angel of a donor did it because she just assumed we were. And our doctor got me pregnant because he assumed that we are good people. No one made me fill out a form or prove my worthiness. And so I've decided to adopt that attitude and give to the universe that if people are seeking to have a child this badly, just as we were, then they are just as perfect to receive my gift as I was to receive some one else's.

She is absolutely right and I hope that if any of you are on the fence about embryo donation, you will remember these words, because I can't think of a better gift you can give in your lifetime.

I have always been a logical person who sees most things in black-and-white - not generally shades of gray. I do my due-dilligence before making an important decision, such as comparing features, benefits and prices before making a major purchase or thoroughly vetting a potential candidate prior to hiring.

In the IVF world, one of the things I found most frustrating as a patient was the uncertainity and loss of control. In so many areas of my life, such as my career, I could do things to affect the outcome, such as go back to school to get a degree or volunteer to work on a challenging project that would offer me a learning opportunity. While undergoing IVF treatments, I could do things like make the decision to use donor eggs which upped my success statistics from 10%-15% to 85%-95% , eat better, take my drugs and undergo accupuncture treatments (which I abandoned on our last cycle - the one that finally succeeded), but ultimately I came to understand that nothing I could control  would or could guarantee a successful outcome.

In other words, I had to reach deep down into my soul and have faith...

Faith in a stranger who became our donor.
Faith that the process does work - most times.
Faith in the drugs.
Faith in my doctors.
Faith in my husband.

The list could go on and on...

If we were going to have two girls, Faith was our choice for a second girl's name because:

• We wanted names that started with "F" and "G" to name the babies after special people in our lives and we already had our "G" name chosen.
• It would have been a daily reminder to us that we had to abandon logic and believe in a bit of magic to create these miraculous children

The exciting news to share today is that we did choose one family and they were exactly what we were looking for - an all-American down-to-earth family who enjoy hiking, love to travel, and have a dog - just like us!

Yes, there is still a certain amount of faith required when giving such an important gift, but I know in my heart that they are going to make WONDERFUL parents and we are overjoyed about our decision.

Four Months

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend.

This weekend, the Twinks turned four months. On one hand, I wonder where the time went. It seems like they were just born yesterday. On the other, I can't imagine life without them.

I am thankful for daylight savings time. It means they went to bed a little earlier last night and woke up a little later today. Hope we can keep this new schedule. They are still sleeping through the night consistently. It's easily been over a month since one of them have woken up in the middle of the night.

They are really starting to show their personalities now. F is so outgoing and truly happy. G is starting to smile more and more each day and goes from 0-to-60 when it's time to eat. No mistaking that cry!

In addition to professional hot-tubber and sunbather, F has decided to add "Lounge Singer" to his resume. 'Ol Blue Eyes better watch out for Young Blue Eyes. I know I am going to regret this and embarrass myself, but what the heck. You only live once, right? Click on the picture:

This weekend, I went to the "large" twins club sale. Like the sale last weekend, the pickins were slim when it came to boy clothes, but there were racks-and-racks-and-racks of adorable little girl clothes. Since I am 6' tall, it is very hard for me to buy such small size clothes. Even though I see them every day, it's hard to visualize their proportions when they are not with me. The other challenge is that the sizes vary so much. An outfit that says 3 months can be twice as small as another that says 3-month. Therefore, you really can't go by sizing labels. So, I think I ended up buying some summer clothes that are too big and winter may be here by the time they do eventually fit. Oh well - no big deal.

I know this white dress from a designer in London (but made in the Phillipines) will only fit G for about two minutes (and stay puke-free for 30 seconds, if we're lucky), but at $2.50 I just couldn't resist:

On Saturday, they went in for their four-month checkup. G weighs 12 lbs.10 oz. and F weighs 13 lbs. 9 oz. Even though he is almost a pound heavier than her, he is in the 25% for height and weight and she is in the 25% for weight and 50% for height (so a tall, slim ballerina so far).

They both had their shots - so they were both a little more tired and grumpy for the past couple days, but at least we know why. On Saturday, they went five hours between one of their feedings. By the time they woke up, you would have thought the world was coming to an end.
For the past three weeks or so, when they've cried there are tiny tears. Poor babies.

The doctor is very pleased with both twins' development and said it would just take time for her digestive system to fully develop and for her to stop being so pukey.

On Sunday, we went to music class. There was another five-month-old there and he was almost 1 1/2 times the size of these guys. It's strange how babies can vary so much in their size in the beginning.

Donor Embryos
We are very close to picking one of our two families. We are so excited!

50 Rules for Dads of Daughters

A friend sent me this yesterday. It's beautiful:

http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters

Athough in my case, I would have some to add, such as:

1. Always kiss her good night, even when she thinks she's getting too old.

2. Teach her to play Dungeons & Dragons - Not only does it spur her imagination, but it will keep her out of bars when she's old enough to drink.

3. Show her the world - From a very early age, she should know that the Eiffel Tower is NOT in Disneyland or Las Vegas. She should never be in another country and ask "Do you talk American?" (which I actually heard a 20-something girl ask a waiter on our last trip to Italy).

4. Just like you do with Mom, tell her she looks beautiful after she gets dressed in the morning. Don't say it every day - but do say it when it's true and she'll trust you on this.

5. Let her make the "not so important" decisions. Who cares if purple, brown and turquoise don't match? She's a girl, she's going to look adorable anyway. It won't kill you to share a dinner of spaghetti with a side of macaroni-and-cheese for one meal in your life.

6. Sometimes she's just got to learn things the hard way, like why we don't wear sandals in the snow.

7. Get Outside - Dance in the rain. Taste the wind on your face. Build a snowman. Play in the mud. Bask in the sunshine (but don't forget the sunscreen).

8. Kill the Bugs Inside For Her - Enjoy it while you can, because someday this will be the role of her husband.

9. Laugh With Her - Even at the stupidest of jokes. You'll build her confidence.

10. Remember she will always have only one Daddy - you!

A Few of My Favorite Things - Hospital and Beyond

This weekend, the Twinks will turn four months old. Now that I've had a chance to "test drive" some of the things I bought, I thought I would share some of the items I really like:


Peg Perego Baby Planner - If you are early in your pregnancy, this is worth the $3.95 shipping. It is different from other baby planning books in that it's not a "diary", but rater a very practical book of information and checklists - such as what to ask when looking for a pediatrician, when hiring a nanny, what to pack in your hospital bag, etc. I didn't find this book until almost at the end of my pregnancy, but wish I had come across it sooner.

Things to Pack in Your Hospital Bag for Delivery

Pumping Bra - You definitely want to be sure to pack one of these in your hospital bag, as holding the pumping cups to your breasts for 10-15 minutes every 3 hours is bor-ring. Someone suggested buying a cheap sports bra and cutting holes in it. Great idea!

Lip Balm - Maybe it's the change in your body's chemistry or just our dry air out here, but I appreciated having lip balm with me.

Ear Plugs / Eye Shades - Don't worry, you'll still hear the babies cry.

Fluffy Robe / Slippers - Much better than scooting around the halls in a hospital gown.

Camera with Charged Batteries - This may sound obvious, but I almost forgot mine.

iPad / MP3 Player - You will have some down time (not much, but a little).


Feeding

Dr. Browns Bottles - Yes, they do have more parts to wash, but my babies have done well on them. At four months, my babies are still eating every 3 hours. So, if you are having twins and don't want to be doing "baby dishes" constantly, buy at least 18 of these (they come in packs of 3). Since my twins moved to the 8 ounce bottles at about 10 weeks, I would skip buying the 4 ounce bottles and go straight to the 8 oz. ones - just fill them less.


Dr. Browns Microwave Sanitizer - This is much faster than my counter top model and holds much more.

The First Years MiSwivel Chair - This is some of the best money we've spent. You can purchase this chair for less than $50 at some Wal-Marts or online (just do a google search for "MiSwivel" on the Wal-Mart site). The chair has a five-point harness and reclines about 30 degrees. The cushions are reversible (good to tell them apart if you have twins and purchase two). With removable cushions and straps (that I throw in the wash) and a plastic base, it is a breeze to clean. Love it, love it, love it!

Bibs - My little girl pukes - lots. So, for her I prefer the Tommee Tippee "Closer to Nature" ones but they're costly. When buying bibs, I would recommend buying the plastic-backed ones because the ones that are just terry cloth tend to leak through.

Munchkin Bottle Warmer - When I got home from the hospital, I was microwaving water and letting the bottles sit to warm. I quickly learned that when my little girl wants her bottle, she wants it NOW!!! This bottle warmer takes about two minutes - still not fast enough for her, but faster than the hot-water-microwave method.

Sleeping

SwaddleDesigns Ultimate Receiving Blanket - These were a gift from a best friend who has three kids. I swaddle my twins in these 100% cotton fleece blankets every night. I like them much better than the Aden & Anis blankets because they  are just as large (47 X 47) and stay closed. These are a must-have! (Note -  the link is only to one design. Search on Amazon and you'll find more designs and colors).

Gerber Zippered Sleep-n-Plays - You can find these at Target in adorable prints for boys and girls. Some babies are allergic to synthetic fabrics. By dressing my babies in these all-cotton sleep-n-plays, I didn't run that risk. Personally, I prefer zippers to snaps because I find them easier, but I know some parents prefer snaps - your choice. They are inexpensive (less than $15 for 3) and hold up well wash-after-wash.

Rain Forest Mobile / Brilliant Basics Mobile  - Do NOT buy the wind-up mobiles that match your bedding - total waste of money because they stay on for less than two minutes. Invest in a mobile that you can use for years to come. My son has the Rain Forest Mobile and thinks it's the best thing on the planet. He can stare at it for an hour and not get bored. My daughter has the Brilliant Basics one. They both run for about 10 minutes before shutting off  and the  "mobile" on both detach so that it becomes a music box for when the kids get older. I prefer the Rain Forest one because it has a light - so it's easier to see at night.

Clothes

Sleep Sacks - I bought a bunch of Halo newborn sleep sacks and within two months, my twins had already outgrown them. My advice here is that you will probably be doing laundry every day or two, so don't buy too many like I did (or buy them used).

Circo Socks - These are sold at Target for about $1 per pair and they are the only socks that will stay on my twins feet.

Zutano Booties - Yes, expensive (about $20 / pair), but oh so cute...and they stay on their feet.

 Health & Beauty

Baby Comfy Nose & Saline Nose Drops - This should be at the top of your list. It's a little plastic bulb that allows you to clean your baby's nose. Much better than the bulbs they give you at the hospital. I use it all the time.

Mustella Baby Wash - It smells oh so good!

Aquafor Baby - Yes, it's greasy, but it's keep their skin soft and smooth.

Hope this gets some of you started on your registry lists!

Do I Want to Know? Nope...No Way

In her blog this week, Lisa brings up a very good question. If our donor donated again, would I want to know so that our kids could get in touch with their "dwblings"? (Love the new word Lisa - thanks!)

http://wantedonegoodembryo.blogspot.com/2012/03/one-particularly-itchin-donor-question.html

In my case, the answer is clear...no.

As DE patients, I think many of us women want to romanticize our donor's lives. We picture them as 20-somethings who are educated, intelligent, beautiful, talented, dress in the latest fashion, drive nice cars, have clean-cut boyfriends or husbands...you get the idea.

Having been a patient of CCRM's for two years and gone through countless appointments, I have seen the reality while sitting in the waiting room. Yes, some of the women definitely fit the mold described above, but others look like they rolled out of bed and drove over from the trailer park. Let's face it...to a young woman with mounting bills, $5,000 compensation each time she donates her eggs helps.

In our case, I do not feel a strong connection with our donor. To put it bluntly, she wanted the money and we needed young, viable eggs - it was strictly a business deal. Since she was only 24, ended up having such a strong cycle for us, and didn't have OHSS (at least we were never asked to pay for any OHSS treatments), I would assume she donated again. In fact, I would be very surprised to find out if she hadn't.

Why, then, do I feel so strongly that if we donate our embryos, I would like to keep some kind of contact with the couple we donate them to?

I am pretty sure it's because I would always wonder if we made the right decision. I certainly would respect that they are no longer "our" kids, but I'd also constantly think  - Are the kids loved more than life itself? Nurtured? Supported in their goals and dreams? Given guidance without too much discipline?

Then there's the physical side too - Do they "practice ballerina moves" or squawk like my daughter does when she's hungry? Do they smile from ear-to-ear or point their index finger like my son does when he grabs his bib or a toy?

I also believe that when a couple makes the sacrifices required to go through IVF or adoption- both emotionally and financially - they have a perspective that parents who got pregnant "the natural way" can never comprehend. Please don't misunderstand - I don't mean to imply they love or appreciate their children any less, I just think it's a different perspective that comes from having a unique experience.

A Review of the Weekend
Before I leave, just wanted to share a bit about my weekend...

Saturday started with a bottle and then a bath for each of the babies. Since they are still small enough and it's easier for me, I've still been bathing them in the bathroom sink. As soon as I lowered my son into his "hot tub" he leaned back and spread his arms wide over the sides of the basin. Ahhh...I could almost hear him say.

I took the kids to Saturday morning Minyan - an intimate, lay-led service (although ours has grown recently to where about 40 people attend on a regular basis) - where the Twins are loved by just about everyone there. People jockey to hold them for the 90-minute service. It was fun for me because I was sitting in the back row and the gentleman holding my son was two rows in front of me. When I am holding my son, I can't see him, but when someone else is, I get to look into his eyes and see his face. It's so special.

After that, one of our local twins clubs was having it's sale - so I headed over. I found a new bouncy seat and went a little crazy shopping for G. The spring dresses were so adorable and I found a pair of pink and purple "Princess" Robeez that she just had to have!

"Sugar Plum" in her "new" bouncy seat and princess shoes. Tired herself out by practicing her ballet.

This time, there wasn't much in the way of clothes for F, but the larger twins club is having their sale this Friday - so I am sure there will be more stuff there.

Later in the day, we attached the bars to the twins' play mat for the first time. It's only been within the last couple of weeks that they've started to realize their legs are attached and they can kick them.

Even though neither twin has connected holding their bottle with feeding yet, it took them less than five minutes to connect that kicking the toys would make the animals "sing" and move. They were clearly having so much fun - jibber-jabbering to the toys and smiling most time they kicked hard enough to turn on the toys. They aren't quite giggling yet, but I don't think we're too far from that.

Yesterday the weather was beautiful, so in the afternoon my friend, her daughter, me, the Twinks and all our dogs (five among us) went for a walk around the lake. At one point, a gust of wind hit G in her face and she just didn't know what to do with it. At first she spread her arms, waved them in a startled panic, then she tried to taste the wind by sticking out her tongue. Finally, she realized it was ok and just smiled. I wish I could have put that moment in a bottle and saved it for ever and ever.

An Awesome Responsibility

When we started our DE cycle, there were so many unknowns. Would the donor take her meds as prescribed (she "lost" a pack of birth control pills that we were asked to replace), would she produce a high number of follicles, would the follicles fertilize and become embryos, would the embryos thrive enough to transfer, would we have embryos to freeze?

As anyone who has been through this process knows, past success does not guarantee future success. I've read posts of women who went with a proven donor whose donated multiple times to only end up with none, one or two viable embryos. In our case, the donor was young (24) had three children of her own (and one miscarriage), but never donated before.

Somehow, we lucked out on all accounts. Our donor had 42 follicles, 28 mature eggs, and in the end we ended up with 17 viable embryos.

We transferred two in our first cycle and three in our second cycle (which resulted in our twins), so we now have 12 embryos sitting in the freezer.

When we started our cycle, they asked us what we wanted to do with any extra embryos. At the time, it was akin to asking, "What would you like to eat for your first meal when you take a vacation to Mars in 2090?" It was such a far-fetched question that we could hardly fathom being in that position - so we checked some boxes on the paperwork and merrily rolled along.

Now that the trip to Mars has become reality - we hit the Powerball jackpot of life and are done building our family. So, what to do with the embryos?

We know our embryos are very viable and it seems a shame to destroy them or donate them to science. Having lived through this experience, my DH and I agree that we would like to donate our embryos to give another couple (or two) the chance to become parents.

We could donate them through our RE's program - but they insist on the donation being completely anonymous and I'm not comfortable with that. Ideally, I'd like to know if my kids have siblings and, in a perfect world, maybe even have all the kids have some type of relationship.

Anyway, shortly after New Year's we started to look for a deserving couple and have been flooded with responses. It's been so overwhelming that I've been unable to make a decision, done nothing, and am feeling extremely guilty. As an IVF patient, I know how many hurdles you have to jump through...and I've only delayed the process for a child coming into the world.

I've received emails from a wide variety of potential recipients - single parents, same-sex couples, a couple who have their MBAs from Harvard, couples who are in their very late 40's whose timeline is near the end, a young woman who has agreed to be a recipient for her sister and brother-in-law, couples with dogs who want to start families, couples who have lots of  nieces and nephews, couples who come from small families, couples who love to travel, couples from large cities, couples from small towns, couples who live overseas - you name it, we've received it.

My husband is pretty much willing to go with whatever I decide, but I feel overwhelmed.

This is a huge responsibility and now I am starting to waffle. What if I make the wrong decision? Would I really be better not knowing the recipients? Would we be better not donating at all?

I realize no one has a crystal ball or can tell the future, but I do have some strong opinions, such as a couple who has no other children and has been married for many years.

I wish I could know that the kids would be raised by a couple who is fully committed to one another and will continue to have a wonderful relationship throughout the kids' lifetimes. Being wealthy is not a requirement, but being financially stable and savvy is. To me, I would rather give our kids "experiences" (such as the opportunity to travel) vs. stuff, and I would hope that any couple I select would have similar values. Education is important to us, but if I select a couple with Ivy League educations, will the pressure on the kids be too much? So many unknowns.

Am I opening a Pandora's box that should remain shut?

Oh decisions, decisions, decisions...