Do I Want to Know? Nope...No Way

In her blog this week, Lisa brings up a very good question. If our donor donated again, would I want to know so that our kids could get in touch with their "dwblings"? (Love the new word Lisa - thanks!)

http://wantedonegoodembryo.blogspot.com/2012/03/one-particularly-itchin-donor-question.html

In my case, the answer is clear...no.

As DE patients, I think many of us women want to romanticize our donor's lives. We picture them as 20-somethings who are educated, intelligent, beautiful, talented, dress in the latest fashion, drive nice cars, have clean-cut boyfriends or husbands...you get the idea.

Having been a patient of CCRM's for two years and gone through countless appointments, I have seen the reality while sitting in the waiting room. Yes, some of the women definitely fit the mold described above, but others look like they rolled out of bed and drove over from the trailer park. Let's face it...to a young woman with mounting bills, $5,000 compensation each time she donates her eggs helps.

In our case, I do not feel a strong connection with our donor. To put it bluntly, she wanted the money and we needed young, viable eggs - it was strictly a business deal. Since she was only 24, ended up having such a strong cycle for us, and didn't have OHSS (at least we were never asked to pay for any OHSS treatments), I would assume she donated again. In fact, I would be very surprised to find out if she hadn't.

Why, then, do I feel so strongly that if we donate our embryos, I would like to keep some kind of contact with the couple we donate them to?

I am pretty sure it's because I would always wonder if we made the right decision. I certainly would respect that they are no longer "our" kids, but I'd also constantly think  - Are the kids loved more than life itself? Nurtured? Supported in their goals and dreams? Given guidance without too much discipline?

Then there's the physical side too - Do they "practice ballerina moves" or squawk like my daughter does when she's hungry? Do they smile from ear-to-ear or point their index finger like my son does when he grabs his bib or a toy?

I also believe that when a couple makes the sacrifices required to go through IVF or adoption- both emotionally and financially - they have a perspective that parents who got pregnant "the natural way" can never comprehend. Please don't misunderstand - I don't mean to imply they love or appreciate their children any less, I just think it's a different perspective that comes from having a unique experience.

A Review of the Weekend
Before I leave, just wanted to share a bit about my weekend...

Saturday started with a bottle and then a bath for each of the babies. Since they are still small enough and it's easier for me, I've still been bathing them in the bathroom sink. As soon as I lowered my son into his "hot tub" he leaned back and spread his arms wide over the sides of the basin. Ahhh...I could almost hear him say.

I took the kids to Saturday morning Minyan - an intimate, lay-led service (although ours has grown recently to where about 40 people attend on a regular basis) - where the Twins are loved by just about everyone there. People jockey to hold them for the 90-minute service. It was fun for me because I was sitting in the back row and the gentleman holding my son was two rows in front of me. When I am holding my son, I can't see him, but when someone else is, I get to look into his eyes and see his face. It's so special.

After that, one of our local twins clubs was having it's sale - so I headed over. I found a new bouncy seat and went a little crazy shopping for G. The spring dresses were so adorable and I found a pair of pink and purple "Princess" Robeez that she just had to have!

"Sugar Plum" in her "new" bouncy seat and princess shoes. Tired herself out by practicing her ballet.

This time, there wasn't much in the way of clothes for F, but the larger twins club is having their sale this Friday - so I am sure there will be more stuff there.

Later in the day, we attached the bars to the twins' play mat for the first time. It's only been within the last couple of weeks that they've started to realize their legs are attached and they can kick them.

Even though neither twin has connected holding their bottle with feeding yet, it took them less than five minutes to connect that kicking the toys would make the animals "sing" and move. They were clearly having so much fun - jibber-jabbering to the toys and smiling most time they kicked hard enough to turn on the toys. They aren't quite giggling yet, but I don't think we're too far from that.

Yesterday the weather was beautiful, so in the afternoon my friend, her daughter, me, the Twinks and all our dogs (five among us) went for a walk around the lake. At one point, a gust of wind hit G in her face and she just didn't know what to do with it. At first she spread her arms, waved them in a startled panic, then she tried to taste the wind by sticking out her tongue. Finally, she realized it was ok and just smiled. I wish I could have put that moment in a bottle and saved it for ever and ever.