A Difficult Post - Returning to Work

As I write this post, I have a heavy heart. I am glad I have this outlet where I can show my true colors and express my honest opinions. Thank you.

Tomorrow will be exactly eight weeks since the twins were born, and the day I am going back to work. I have been dreading this day for the past month and can't believe it came so quickly.

For a very long time, I have listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's show. While I don't agree with all her opinions, I do find wisdom and motivation in her words and the advice she gives to some of her callers. Once in a while, she has a commentary or call that impacts me deeply. Yesterday was that kind of day.

It was close to 60 degrees outside, so I packed up the Twinks and took them for a walk. At the beginning of the hour she commented on this essay:

http://www.babble.com/baby/baby-care/jealous-nanny/

I wish I could link to the commentary, but I don't believe I can, so I will try to summarize what I remember.

Basically, her position is that as double-income parents, our society does not value women as stay-at-home Moms. There is a huge amount of pressure for us to return to work after our kids are born. We think we can outsource our child care and expect our kids to forget that we weren't there for the "important" moments.

She does understand a Mom going to work when it's necessary to put food on the table or put a roof over the family's head, but do we really need to go back to work to afford dinners out, fancy cars, etc?

I listened to her words with a keen ear and I felt like she were talking directly to me. I admit that I have fallen into the same "material trap" and am hating myself for it.

Having spent just about every minute of the last eight weeks with our babies, I can honestly say that I have never been happier. I love being able to discover things about my kids - like earlier this week when I took my pediatrician's advice and blow dried F's tushie for 20 seconds to prevent diaper rash. He was so happy that you would have thought I let him loose in a candy store!

In all honesty, Dr. Laura is right - we can't expect to outsource our child care and, when both the nanny and mommy are both there when a kid get a boo-boo, have our kids turn to us first. At most, I will be spending a few minutes in the morning and a couple hours with them in the evening before bed, while my nanny will be with them all day - going to the park, attending story time at the library, giggling during time on the play mat.

In the essay, there are two points that hit home the most:

1. When the author explains that she feels like she's working so she can financially support someone else to live the life she feels that she should be living. This is a valid point and I have thought if, by going back to work, I am doing the same thing.

2. In the last paragraph when she talks about pretending the knees in the picture to be her own. The fact is they are not...and they never will be. Brainwashing herself to make it better isn't going to change the situation.

Why am I returning to work then? Because, like so many other mid-40's men, my DH is terrified of supporting four people on only one income. In his defense, I can understand the enormous amount of pressure this puts on him. In this economy, no job is "safe" (even if you own your own company) and if he were to lose his job, he believes it would be difficult to find another.

Right now, I make a little less than half of our income - so to not work would mean we'd have to change our lifestyle significantly.

We did agree that if I did find it unbearable, he would be open to me quitting, but he wanted me to try to return first - so I agreed.

Although my job is fast-paced and stressful (what job isn't these days?), I do generally enjoy my position and the projects I get to lead. Throughout 2011, I had the chance to manage projects that had a direct impact on our P&L and exposed me to the highest levels of our corporate management. I can now confidently say that even the CEO of our entire organization knows me by name.

While no job is "safe," I am with a company that has continually been growing in this economy. I also know I am severely missed - which is further evidenced by the fact that my boss and her boss (our Chief Marketing Officer) granted me an exception to work from home two days a week (no one else at my site is permitted to do this).

What does our future hold? I guess we'll have to wait and see.