For those of you waiting to cycle and feel like it takes forever, start a blog! I can hardly believe it's been over 15 days since my last post! The time is just flying!
In the world of IVF, not much has been happening. Was just waiting on my AF - which I think finally arrived late this afternoon. Next week should be an exciting one - my first time getting a calendar with some dates! The nurse wanted my cycle to start about a week before my donor's but it sounds like we might have done that naturally now. Not sure if that's good, bad or neutral.
So, this time I really do want to write about twins.
I follow two different message boards pretty closely with women who are all at various stages of the process. Seems like lately, there have been lots and lots of twin announcements.
When I first started this process, I was hoping for twins. Knowing that my husband and I are older, we agreed that as soon as we have our baby / babies, that would be it - no more pregnancies for me. I have two labs, and although I realize kids are very different, that was easy. So, I thought that if I have one newborn, how much harder can two ore even three be? Sounded like the perfect plan. In fact, during my last DE process, I convinced the RE to put back three.
After talking with my new RE and having him explain why he refuses to implant more than two DE at one time has given me a fresh perspective. As he described the increased risks and the physical and health problems he's seen over the years, I swear I could see the anguish in his eyes.
The last thing I would ever want to do would be to risk the health of my future child / children. After doing some additional reading, I have had a 180-degree shift in my attitude and am perfectly comfortable with two and no more.
I just have to trust that whatever is meant to be, is meant to be...and it is out of my hands.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Two for One...
No, this isn't a post about twinkies...it's that I have two items on my mind today
1. Over the weekend I was in my car and there was a fascinating story playing about how a newborn baby's brain develops:
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2010/05/14
I vividly recall that as a small child my senses were vastly more sensitive than they are now. I clearly remember loathing onions because they burned my tongue and how much I dreaded each Independence Day because the noise from the fireworks was too loud.
Therefore, it makes perfect sense to me that a newborn's hearing would still be developing several months after it was born.
I have also strongly believed that babies can hear sounds in-utero. This was reinforced when I did some work with Lyndsi Eastburn - a leading infertility hypnotist - who explained that when she worked with pregnant women who brought their babies to visit after the babies were born, the infants would reach for Lyndsi because they recognized her voice.
2. The second topic on my mind lately is regarding my desire to be in a state of ignorant bliss regarding our upcoming cycle.
I've been thinking lots about my cycle and how I want to get through the 2ww. Last time it was easy because I was overseas - so my mind was focused elsewhere. I hope that once I get my calendar for this cycle, I can take some time off again and distract myself.
In certain respects, today's medicine tells us too much and I think it would be better to live under the assumption of the best outcome possible. It wasn't so long ago that most women had no idea they were pregnant until they were much further along in their pregnancies.
My hope is that I can come directly out of the ET assuming this worked and immediately banish any uncertainty, doubts or negative thoughts. I am going to do my best to assume a BFP and consider the HCG blood draw as a mere formality.
This may sound nutty, but sitting here today, I almost don't want to go for a beta at all because I know that the results are totally out of my control and seeing my beta rise as my progesterone was falling during my last cycle for about eight weeks was "stress city". Don't need to go through that again!
In addition, I am going to do my best not to POAS (considering last during my last cycle, I POAS'ed on a Friday - the morning of my beta - and it negative. I assumed it was correct and didn't POAS again until Sunday - when it came back positive. On Monday, the HCG level confirmed a BFP
So, there you have it - that's the way I see it today...
1. Over the weekend I was in my car and there was a fascinating story playing about how a newborn baby's brain develops:
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2010/05/14
I vividly recall that as a small child my senses were vastly more sensitive than they are now. I clearly remember loathing onions because they burned my tongue and how much I dreaded each Independence Day because the noise from the fireworks was too loud.
Therefore, it makes perfect sense to me that a newborn's hearing would still be developing several months after it was born.
I have also strongly believed that babies can hear sounds in-utero. This was reinforced when I did some work with Lyndsi Eastburn - a leading infertility hypnotist - who explained that when she worked with pregnant women who brought their babies to visit after the babies were born, the infants would reach for Lyndsi because they recognized her voice.
2. The second topic on my mind lately is regarding my desire to be in a state of ignorant bliss regarding our upcoming cycle.
I've been thinking lots about my cycle and how I want to get through the 2ww. Last time it was easy because I was overseas - so my mind was focused elsewhere. I hope that once I get my calendar for this cycle, I can take some time off again and distract myself.
In certain respects, today's medicine tells us too much and I think it would be better to live under the assumption of the best outcome possible. It wasn't so long ago that most women had no idea they were pregnant until they were much further along in their pregnancies.
My hope is that I can come directly out of the ET assuming this worked and immediately banish any uncertainty, doubts or negative thoughts. I am going to do my best to assume a BFP and consider the HCG blood draw as a mere formality.
This may sound nutty, but sitting here today, I almost don't want to go for a beta at all because I know that the results are totally out of my control and seeing my beta rise as my progesterone was falling during my last cycle for about eight weeks was "stress city". Don't need to go through that again!
In addition, I am going to do my best not to POAS (considering last during my last cycle, I POAS'ed on a Friday - the morning of my beta - and it negative. I assumed it was correct and didn't POAS again until Sunday - when it came back positive. On Monday, the HCG level confirmed a BFP
So, there you have it - that's the way I see it today...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Help
This past weekend, I read The Help by Katheryn Stockett. It's on all the best seller lists - so I am sure at least a few of you read it. The gist of the story is about what it was like for African American women in the 60's to work as housekeepers and child care workers for women in the South.
Although it takes place in Mississippi, I wonder how many people realize that it could have just as easily taken place in the suburbs of New York too. Although I was not raised by a housekeeper, I do remember that my mother and all of her sisters were. My grandmother was always running off somewhere - to volunteer driving the blind, shopping at the department store or visiting a friend, or playing canasta. From what my mother tells me, was rarely home to raise her four girls.
Even as I was growing up, after all the "girls" left my grandmothers house, she would have her housekeeper come several times a week. They would always be working whenever we gathered at my grandparents house for big parties or when they hosted the extended family for holidays, like Thanksgiving.
Sitting here now and wanting to start our family as bad as we do, I can't help but wonder if women who had trouble getting pregnant, and clearly didn't have access to the medical technology we have today, and were then blessed with a "miracle" still wanted the housekeeper to raise their children.
What do you think? Could you have done that?
Although it takes place in Mississippi, I wonder how many people realize that it could have just as easily taken place in the suburbs of New York too. Although I was not raised by a housekeeper, I do remember that my mother and all of her sisters were. My grandmother was always running off somewhere - to volunteer driving the blind, shopping at the department store or visiting a friend, or playing canasta. From what my mother tells me, was rarely home to raise her four girls.
Even as I was growing up, after all the "girls" left my grandmothers house, she would have her housekeeper come several times a week. They would always be working whenever we gathered at my grandparents house for big parties or when they hosted the extended family for holidays, like Thanksgiving.
Sitting here now and wanting to start our family as bad as we do, I can't help but wonder if women who had trouble getting pregnant, and clearly didn't have access to the medical technology we have today, and were then blessed with a "miracle" still wanted the housekeeper to raise their children.
What do you think? Could you have done that?
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Going to Extremes? Where does it stop?
Last night, I watched the HBO documentary Google Baby. The gist of the show was to follow a gay Israeli man who paid $140K to hire a surrogate from Tennessee to have a baby for him and his partner. After he brought home his daughter home, he took a queue from his profession (information technology) and hatched a plan to outsource surrogacy - recruit egg donors from the US, fertilize the eggs in Israel and ship the embryos to India to implant in surrogates.
While I expected this show to be uplifting and celebrating the miracles of helping people start families, it left me angry and depressed because the Indian women were severely exploited. Yes, the surrogate made a little money, but the real winners were the Israeli guy and the doctor who owned the clinic.
At the beginning, a doctor bluntly explains to a potential surrogate that she as absolutely no rights - she is simply a vessel and if there are complications (up to and including death), she has absolutely no recourse against the clinic or the adoptive family. In the next scene, they show a woman forced to have a c-section who is on the verge of tears as the baby is pulled from her stomach, put on a tray and immediately carried away to the waiting parents.
In parts of the Indian society, surrogacy is seen as taboo - one step away from prostitution. Many of these women disappear for nine months and don't tell their family or friends what they are doing - for fear of shame. They are clearly desperate to create better lives for themselves and their families. Some surrogates were clearly "seasoned" - maybe as old as in their 50's? From the moment of transfer, they live in dormitory-style rooms and are required to stay on bed rest all day as they fight boredom.
In another scene, the Israeli broker is on the phone with a 59-year-old woman who makes it clear she is financially comfortable and wants to buy donor eggs, donor sperm and hire a surrogate to have a baby. They quickly agree to work together and clearly don't care about the child and what life will be like with an older, single parent.
At the end, the Israeli "broker" was on the phone with the Indian clinic explaining that one of his clients clients wanted to implant embryos into two different surrogates at the same time. He tells the camera several times that he thinks this is wrong, yet he's talked to two different surrogacy clinics and they both think it's a wonderful idea. They don't make it clear if he went through with the plan, but my bet is that he did.
There is no question that wanting to start a family when you can't is heartbreaking. I realize that not everyone has an extra $140K sitting around, but on the other hand, after seeing this show, I do not think I that I could, in good concise, hire one of these surrogates after seeing the exploitation and heartbreak that takes place.
Hopefully, I will never have to make that decision.
While I expected this show to be uplifting and celebrating the miracles of helping people start families, it left me angry and depressed because the Indian women were severely exploited. Yes, the surrogate made a little money, but the real winners were the Israeli guy and the doctor who owned the clinic.
At the beginning, a doctor bluntly explains to a potential surrogate that she as absolutely no rights - she is simply a vessel and if there are complications (up to and including death), she has absolutely no recourse against the clinic or the adoptive family. In the next scene, they show a woman forced to have a c-section who is on the verge of tears as the baby is pulled from her stomach, put on a tray and immediately carried away to the waiting parents.
In parts of the Indian society, surrogacy is seen as taboo - one step away from prostitution. Many of these women disappear for nine months and don't tell their family or friends what they are doing - for fear of shame. They are clearly desperate to create better lives for themselves and their families. Some surrogates were clearly "seasoned" - maybe as old as in their 50's? From the moment of transfer, they live in dormitory-style rooms and are required to stay on bed rest all day as they fight boredom.
In another scene, the Israeli broker is on the phone with a 59-year-old woman who makes it clear she is financially comfortable and wants to buy donor eggs, donor sperm and hire a surrogate to have a baby. They quickly agree to work together and clearly don't care about the child and what life will be like with an older, single parent.
At the end, the Israeli "broker" was on the phone with the Indian clinic explaining that one of his clients clients wanted to implant embryos into two different surrogates at the same time. He tells the camera several times that he thinks this is wrong, yet he's talked to two different surrogacy clinics and they both think it's a wonderful idea. They don't make it clear if he went through with the plan, but my bet is that he did.
There is no question that wanting to start a family when you can't is heartbreaking. I realize that not everyone has an extra $140K sitting around, but on the other hand, after seeing this show, I do not think I that I could, in good concise, hire one of these surrogates after seeing the exploitation and heartbreak that takes place.
Hopefully, I will never have to make that decision.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Sticky Vibes are Good...
Got my beta-3 integrin tests back today and they are positive. This is good and means that I have the "suction cups" that I need to hold the embies in safe-and-sound and there is no need for me to be on depo-lupron.
In a way, this is a relief because I certainly don't like being on drugs. On the other hand, I was hoping for some insight as to why this hasn't worked so far.
The nurse is anxious to move things along quickly and wants to get my drugs ordered this week.
As I have not cycled in the states before, I feel a bit like a guinea pig who is supposed to just do what the nice nurse tells her to do. I know that I will be put on birth-control pills when my cycle starts at the end of the month, but I have no idea what happens after that. I assumed that I would go straight on suppression hormones in August and the transfer would occur in mid-August, but now I think they have to get our two cycles synchronized.
So, we have one more shot for doing this on our own, naturally. A girl can dream, can't she?
In a way, this is a relief because I certainly don't like being on drugs. On the other hand, I was hoping for some insight as to why this hasn't worked so far.
The nurse is anxious to move things along quickly and wants to get my drugs ordered this week.
As I have not cycled in the states before, I feel a bit like a guinea pig who is supposed to just do what the nice nurse tells her to do. I know that I will be put on birth-control pills when my cycle starts at the end of the month, but I have no idea what happens after that. I assumed that I would go straight on suppression hormones in August and the transfer would occur in mid-August, but now I think they have to get our two cycles synchronized.
So, we have one more shot for doing this on our own, naturally. A girl can dream, can't she?
Sunday, July 4, 2010
The First Day of the Rest of Your Life
Today it seems appropriate to write a letter to our future kidlet(s), so here goes:
Dear Little Quant(s):
There will be many big days in your life coming up within these next several months, but today is one of the biggest because Dad and I finally chose the "helper" that will turn you from a deep longing in our hearts and a dream in our imaginations to a living, breathing, beautiful reality in our arms sometime in 2011.
XOXO,
Dear Little Quant(s):
There will be many big days in your life coming up within these next several months, but today is one of the biggest because Dad and I finally chose the "helper" that will turn you from a deep longing in our hearts and a dream in our imaginations to a living, breathing, beautiful reality in our arms sometime in 2011.
PICTURE REMOVED FOR CONFIDENTALITY
Why did we select this particular "helper"? Well, for many reasons, but some of the biggest are:
1. As you can see, we think she's absolutely adorable.
2. We wanted you to have the best chance of a lifetime of good health. Although past performance does not guarantee future results, her family history was stellar. She takes good care of herself and that's important to us.
3. Biologically, you already have 3 half-brothers and / or sisters somewhere, out there. The nurses tell us that she's a good mother to her current children and she wanted to help because she truly wanted to make a difference in a loving couple's lives to help them start a family.
4. She had a happy childhood with many friends and was close with her brothers and sisters. Again, family is important.
While you (and us) will probably never get to meet her, it's hard to come up with the words to thank her for the gift she is about to bestow on all of us.
Welcome to the frist day of the rest of your life!
Mom and Dad
Saturday, July 3, 2010
A Perfect Day
Ever have those days you wish you could re-live over and over, again and again? Well, today was one of those days...
Since I've never been to Rocky Mountain National Park, we decided that today was the day.
Dad got up early, grilled some chicken, packed a picnic lunch and we were off.
After a beautiful drive through Lyons we drove into Estes Park around 10:00 am. As we drove past the Stanley Hotel, it was just as I imagined - grand against a beautiful backdrop of mountains.
We entered the park around 10:30 am and spent the entire day driving through at our leisure - stopping along the way to do some short hikes. The weather couldn't have been better - the skies were deep cerulean and, even at the highest points (over 12,000 feet), the weather was in the 60's - almost a heat record!
We ate a picnic lunch of BBQ chicken, celery stuffed with soft cheese, crackers, and superbly-ripened strawberries by a beautiful lake (complete with birds and chipmunks - like living in a Disney movie) and hiked around the lake after lunch. Saw may large-horned deer and even a female moose.
Here are some pitures from our day (although the pictures just aren't like being there)...
On the way home, we drove thorugh Grande Lake and stopped in Winter Park to ride the "buckets" - a 2.5 minue train ride to a few quaint shops - and indulge in some delicious ice cream.
By the end of the day, we felt like this:
When we got home, we retreated to our upper balcony to watch the fireworks. We had a perfect view of the local fireworks, as well as a distant view of the fireworks downtown.
All in all, it really was a pefect day...
Since I've never been to Rocky Mountain National Park, we decided that today was the day.
Dad got up early, grilled some chicken, packed a picnic lunch and we were off.
After a beautiful drive through Lyons we drove into Estes Park around 10:00 am. As we drove past the Stanley Hotel, it was just as I imagined - grand against a beautiful backdrop of mountains.
We entered the park around 10:30 am and spent the entire day driving through at our leisure - stopping along the way to do some short hikes. The weather couldn't have been better - the skies were deep cerulean and, even at the highest points (over 12,000 feet), the weather was in the 60's - almost a heat record!
We ate a picnic lunch of BBQ chicken, celery stuffed with soft cheese, crackers, and superbly-ripened strawberries by a beautiful lake (complete with birds and chipmunks - like living in a Disney movie) and hiked around the lake after lunch. Saw may large-horned deer and even a female moose.
Here are some pitures from our day (although the pictures just aren't like being there)...
On the way home, we drove thorugh Grande Lake and stopped in Winter Park to ride the "buckets" - a 2.5 minue train ride to a few quaint shops - and indulge in some delicious ice cream.
By the end of the day, we felt like this:
When we got home, we retreated to our upper balcony to watch the fireworks. We had a perfect view of the local fireworks, as well as a distant view of the fireworks downtown.
All in all, it really was a pefect day...