My Stuff? No Sweat...

Throughout this process, some people have asked how I keep it together and have such a positive attitude. Especially when we've been  faced so may setbacks and disappointments.

How can infertility patients be happy for family members, friends, co-workers, even strangers who seem to say "I want a baby." and POOF....almost 9 months to the day?  First, I have always taken the attitude that other's people fertility has nothing to do with my situation.

Second, eveything is much easier when we focus on our "haves" and  "I get to's..." instead of "Not haves" and "I have to's....". For example:

• I have a beautiful home in an area of the country where I love living. I get to keep it clean.
• I have a paycheck and get to go each day to a somewhat secure job that, despite the stress, I generally enjoy.
• I have a husband who adores me and supports most anything I desire. I get to put the toilet seat down, pick up his laundry from the floor, make dinner for him each evening and clear the table after we eat together.
• I get to greet my dogs at the door each day and give them the nourishment, exercise, and care to keep them healthy and happy.

Yes, I don't have a baby growing in my tummy today or any idea of how our child will find us, but what I do know is that it will happen...someday. I believe in my heart that there is a child out there for us - and I need to focus on the excitement that our child may find us any day now - especially now that we are moving forward in so many directions - IVF one more time, adoption and foster care.

Third, I remember times like these...

Yesterday mid-morning, my husband e-mailed me at work to ask if I could leave a little early because he wanted to drive about an hour into to the mountains to have dinner at  a restaurant we enjoy. With a big smile on my face, I e-mailed him back to say "Yes, sweetheart! I look forward to 'date night'! And he e-mailed me back saying..."every night is 'date night' until we have kids." This made me laugh...

Later that evening, as we drove, we crested a hill, turned a bend, and in front of us was one of the most beautiful sights - a full,. bright, gold, gleaming moon illuminating the mountains. It took my breath away and was truly awe inspiring.  At one point, we pulled over to the side of the road just to admire the view (I tried to take a photo, but it didn't come out).

After a delicious dinner, we took the alternate route home - through a canyon beside a river. Again - the views of the moonlight bouncing off the water and stone were breathtaking. We were listening to a talk radio show...

A 38-year-old man called to explain that around Christmas he was diagnosed with terminal, non-operable  cancer and has 6-9 months to live. His wife (who is also 38) and his entire immediate and extended family are putting tremendous pressure on him to have a baby (they have no children curently).

He called because he does not believe it is ethical to conceive a child knowing in advance that his unborn child would never even meet his biological father.

On one hand, I hope that if myself, my husband or my children were ever forced to make a similar decision, we would have the strong moral fiber and amazing compassion that this man has to stand up for his values for his unborn children and tell everyone "no - this is not going to happen."

On the other hand, I feel for his wife. Not only does she have to prepare to be without the man who was supposed to share her life forever, but now the chances of her having a child of her own have dropped considerably. Assuming she is able to recover from her husband's death, fall in love again, and start having children relatively quickly, she will be in her 40's. Many of us know how conception and 40's go together like mustard and peanut butter - sure, both foods are edible and some people may be able to choke them down together, but let's be realistic...it's not going to be an easy road.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I  know...they just do...there's no answer.

Even though my husband and I have faced major disappointment in our pursuits to become parents, I would take my life any day, any New York minute over what these two people are going through.

My stuff - no sweat!