It's time to circle back to a subject I've written about before and one that will evoke many strong feelings for some of you...
In summary, I was raised in a non-practicing Jewish household and my husband was raised in an observant Catholic household. When I met my husband, we were both non-practicing.
I always assumed that if we ever had kids we would raise them catholic because I knew religion was so important to my husband's family and not really important to me. This was when I also assumed that we could conceive "the old fashioned way." Fast forward 15 years...
When we went through our fourth BFP and fourth miscarriage last November, it hit both of us hard - really, really hard. I never thought I would be able to carry babies in my body and I cried for three weeks straight. My husband handled it like most men do - stoic and not revealing a single emotion - but he did start to attend church.
As part of my recovery, I asked many philosophical questions and, as a favor to my Mom, agreed to speak to a rabbi. Aside from attending weddings, this was the first time I walked into a synagogue in over 20 years. What I found was not what I expected - a rabbi who was able to explain things to me on a level I could understand, yet respected that I did not believe in god (and I am still not sure I do).
Since that day earlier this year, I joined the congregation and started attending "Intro to Judaism" classes (which my husband agreed to attend with me because he loves to learn). I have also tried to support my husband in his religion by encouraging him to attend church and sometimes even going with him to keep him company.
Before we went through our most current IVF cycle, we were exploring adoption and sat down with a deacon. My hope was that if he started to get to know us, he could "hook us up" with a woman he knew did not want to have an abortion, but also did not want to raise her child. Instead, I found this man to be ignorant and insulting by suggesting we enroll in a Natural Family Planning course. Don't they teach these guys that adoption is usually not a couple's first choice when they have no children and are trying to start a family?
I also started to do some additional research into the church's position on IVF and donor eggs. As you may know, IVF is a big no-no and donor eggs is twice as sinful.
I feel fortunate that my husband believes science is a gift from god and he was not going to allow the church's position to get in the way of us having a family together - even if we had to go the donor egg route (which we did). My husband has relatives, though, who have now chosen to live childless because they want to honor their beliefs. As much as I love my husband, I don't know if I could have made the same sacrifice.
On one hand, I feel like a bad wife for having made a promise I believed was right at the time. On the other hand, I am now grappling with a few things that are at the root of my core values...
* Although my husband has continued to attend services, I find his church to be a cold, unfriendly organization that only asks for money (I do not want to make the assumption all churches are like this - so please don't jump to conclusions). As new members, they have made minimal effort to integrate us into their congregation and have almost no resources for couples - it's all focused on children or the elderly. I am sure the priest does not know my husband's name and would not recognize my husband if we passed him on the street (my husband is 6'5" - so he's pretty hard to ignore).
The synagogue and the Jewish community has welcomed us with open arms. We know our rabbis, we were invited into stranger's homes for dinner to celebrate the holidays, our synagogue regularly sponsors learning events, and we were matched with a "mentor" who has become like family to us.
* Again, I am grappling with raising our children in an institution who doubts our children should even exist. From the beginning of this process, we intended to explain to our children that we needed "help" to bring them to life. What is going to happen when they are around other Catholic children who have been taught by their parents that assisted reproduction techniques are flat-out wrong?
* I told my husband that if we were going to raise our kids Catholic, the responsibility would be on him. With our kids due in 9 weeks, my husband has yet to look into a baptism class and the only people he knows to be godparents are his brother and sister-in-law who will not travel to Denver. So, we really don't have anyone to fill that role. Within a day, I am sure I can call rabbi and know what I need to do to arrange for a bris (assuming we have a boy).
So, this is where we sit today...to be continued.
3 comments:
Wow. This is a very thoughtful post. Though very aware of the Church's position, I'd never really through what that meant to a couple who have conceived via IVF, let alone donor egg. My mother is Catholic and my stepfather (the man who raised me) was Evangelical Christian. I've never even considered raising my children in any church. DH was raised by his Lutheran pastor father and I know he has no expectations. Phew.
I know a Jewish/Catholic family who is raising their son as both but they did not go through what you and I have gone through. Good luck to you.
Hmm - that is a hard one. Maybe you could expose them to both traditions and let them decide when they are of age. The Episcopal church is the most like Catholic, except they don't have negative views on IVF or donor eggs. That might be worth exploring. Anyone can take communion in the Episcopal church, but not so in Catholic church. I'll be interested to see what evolves.
I was raised Catholic and refused to raise our son in a church that never wanted him to be born. We chose Lutheranism. Everything I like about Catholicism but you can be gay, a woman or use reproductive technology without being condemned. So, a huge win all around. I have not yet met a practicing Catholic that is aware of the Church's views on ART. I have told a few that I know closely when the subject of religion came up. I am not a fan of "cafeteria Catholics" where you pick and choose what you follow. When I was a teen I was filled with conflict because the Church I loved and drew so much comfort from was against so many things that seemed morally unobjectionable to me. I did not want to tell our son one thing 6 days of the week and then expose him to something else on the 7th day. I spent MANY years wrestling with this.
And I certainly would not feel welcome in a church where my son's very existence is frowned upon.
It is a very difficult problem to work through because it involves not just your beliefs but the melding of a families beliefs and the very morals you will raise your child to have.
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