As I write this post, I have a heavy heart. I am glad I have this outlet where I can show my true colors and express my honest opinions. Thank you.
Tomorrow will be exactly eight weeks since the twins were born, and the day I am going back to work. I have been dreading this day for the past month and can't believe it came so quickly.
For a very long time, I have listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's show. While I don't agree with all her opinions, I do find wisdom and motivation in her words and the advice she gives to some of her callers. Once in a while, she has a commentary or call that impacts me deeply. Yesterday was that kind of day.
It was close to 60 degrees outside, so I packed up the Twinks and took them for a walk. At the beginning of the hour she commented on this essay:
http://www.babble.com/baby/baby-care/jealous-nanny/
I wish I could link to the commentary, but I don't believe I can, so I will try to summarize what I remember.
Basically, her position is that as double-income parents, our society does not value women as stay-at-home Moms. There is a huge amount of pressure for us to return to work after our kids are born. We think we can outsource our child care and expect our kids to forget that we weren't there for the "important" moments.
She does understand a Mom going to work when it's necessary to put food on the table or put a roof over the family's head, but do we really need to go back to work to afford dinners out, fancy cars, etc?
I listened to her words with a keen ear and I felt like she were talking directly to me. I admit that I have fallen into the same "material trap" and am hating myself for it.
Having spent just about every minute of the last eight weeks with our babies, I can honestly say that I have never been happier. I love being able to discover things about my kids - like earlier this week when I took my pediatrician's advice and blow dried F's tushie for 20 seconds to prevent diaper rash. He was so happy that you would have thought I let him loose in a candy store!
In all honesty, Dr. Laura is right - we can't expect to outsource our child care and, when both the nanny and mommy are both there when a kid get a boo-boo, have our kids turn to us first. At most, I will be spending a few minutes in the morning and a couple hours with them in the evening before bed, while my nanny will be with them all day - going to the park, attending story time at the library, giggling during time on the play mat.
In the essay, there are two points that hit home the most:
1. When the author explains that she feels like she's working so she can financially support someone else to live the life she feels that she should be living. This is a valid point and I have thought if, by going back to work, I am doing the same thing.
2. In the last paragraph when she talks about pretending the knees in the picture to be her own. The fact is they are not...and they never will be. Brainwashing herself to make it better isn't going to change the situation.
Why am I returning to work then? Because, like so many other mid-40's men, my DH is terrified of supporting four people on only one income. In his defense, I can understand the enormous amount of pressure this puts on him. In this economy, no job is "safe" (even if you own your own company) and if he were to lose his job, he believes it would be difficult to find another.
Right now, I make a little less than half of our income - so to not work would mean we'd have to change our lifestyle significantly.
We did agree that if I did find it unbearable, he would be open to me quitting, but he wanted me to try to return first - so I agreed.
Although my job is fast-paced and stressful (what job isn't these days?), I do generally enjoy my position and the projects I get to lead. Throughout 2011, I had the chance to manage projects that had a direct impact on our P&L and exposed me to the highest levels of our corporate management. I can now confidently say that even the CEO of our entire organization knows me by name.
While no job is "safe," I am with a company that has continually been growing in this economy. I also know I am severely missed - which is further evidenced by the fact that my boss and her boss (our Chief Marketing Officer) granted me an exception to work from home two days a week (no one else at my site is permitted to do this).
What does our future hold? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
9 comments:
I adopted two babies six months ago after multiple failed ivfs...two at ccrm. I stayed home for three months and then went to work three days per week. I love it and feel lucky to have a good balance. Personally I'm a better mom for maintaining my professional life and I like that my hubs and I are with them exclusively four days out of the week. Truthfully our nanny has lots of experience and has taught us a few things which has been great for us as novices! I hope you can find a balance that works for you but just remember: guilt is never a healthy emotion! Good luck!
You picked a bad day to listen to Dr. Laura! But you do bring up some interesting points. However, I think that you must be really good at what you do at your company and with the economy so bad, it makes sense to at least try to see if you can find balance in taking care of babies and working. I understand that it must be so difficult and there will be an adjustment period. It's good you are giving yourself an out just in case. Good luck Flygirl - keep us posted on how it goes.
Interesting that your post (and perhaps the show that sparked your post?) focus so much on the monetary issues of going back to work. My daughter was also born 11/11, but my maternity leave doesn't end until the middle of Feb. Let me tell you, I'm already looking forward to going back to work. I'm an academic, and I love what I do -- the research I do satisfies a need in my in the same way that my hobbies do, and right now, I simply don't have large enough blocks of uninterrupted time to concentrate on anything, so all my projects are currently on hold. I'm really looking forward to that changing. I'd go back to work even if I weren't making any money.
I don't blame you at all for not wanting to go back to work - two months is a very short maternity leave. Even at my intense corporate job they had started to give 4 months to women. But 2 months or 4, it's never easy I think. Unless you're like some people who've already commented and truly love your job, it must be a drag to have to leave the twinks for so long every day. My sister said she found it almost physically painful at first having to separate - after a while she moved to part time because she couldn't handle it. Hopefully you will find the right balance as time goes on. Good luck on your first week back and keep us posted!
Uggg...eight weeks is just not long enough for mat leave. Must be super hard to be going back at this point. I can totally understand why you're so torn. I, too, would absolutely love to stay home but we've become dependant on that second income. Tough decision. Good luck Flygirl. At least you'll be working from home a couple of days a week - that will help.
Hey Flygirl...yeah I so wish you could have more time at home with the babies so young. But I'm one of those spoiled biased Canadians that take mat leaves for granted. But coming from a double income once-upon-a-time child herself...I turned out just fine. My mom and dad did a marvelous job raising me. I learned to be more independant and valued my family time with them. Personally, I am struggling too about returning to work in four months (after 6 off already) until I had to go to an important workplace meeting earlier this week. Although I love mommyhood...I felt a certain sense of importance (selfish I know) to attend that meeting like my life had more meaning other than motherhood. So its not all about being able to afford nice vacations and eating out vs. a need to put food on the table. For me, I believe, work will make me a happier mommy too. So try not to beat yourself up that the only reason you are going back to work is to fill your selfish desire for materialistic things. Not true...from what I know about you...you actually ENJOY your work. And what's wrong with that? But if you find down the road that you want to be a SAHM...hey...all the power to ya! I might be in the same boat too. But for now...just don't let yourself feel guilty. You've got enough pressure on you as it is. OH and I was made to feel guilty after my DH's grandmother (who thinks our money just grows on trees) said "Lisa...do you really need to go back to work?" I just chalk it up to generational differences. But it did tick me off...anyway. Now I'm rambling. Take care.
Going back to work this early must be hard no matter how much you love your job. And, I can see how the love for your work would be completely displaced and put on the shelf for now, and going back this soon disrupts that natural process. About the work vs lifestyle vs raising kids issue. That's a tuffy and I agree with Lisa. I don't believe that women working is out of the need for a cushy lifestyle in all cases. There is some overlap of course, meaning that two ppl working will usually mean a little cram at the top. And it's the cream we look at when we go back and say to ourselves, well, I don't need that cream so what am I doing. It's not about the cream. If many of us didn't go back to work, even if our husbands could pull the family financially, there are certain things that would make me very uneasy about it all. Like you say, job security. As well, where is my financial independence? My pension at work and retirement savings? Babies' college fund? How will my career be affected by taking x years off.....as it is, my industry is in famine mode right now. Leaving would mean never coming back. Work/ mom balance can be rewarding. All these things I think about as well. What it boils down to, is it's too early for you to go back, and a very unfortunate reality of living in the States. A year later, or like in Europe, two years later, would be a totally different story. I can't really say either way, as I have no idea how I'll feel about going back. I feel for you. Try it, see how it goes, and I'm glad you have options if you just want to be a mom for a few years. After all you've been through.....you deserve it more than anyone. Take care my dear.
My MIL believes that I'm a heathen for even considering placing my children in the care of a Nanny or even worse...the dreaded daycare. That being said, I, too, LOVE what I do! I also make MUCH more money that my husband, which complicates our situation.
My husband gets 12 weeks of leave once we have children. I get whatever I can afford, bearing in mind that if I don't work...I don't get paid (which trickles down to my staff).
After lots of thought, I have decided to bring my children to my office with me at least 2 days a week. Between my parents (who work with me) and my nurse (second Mom and best buddy), our children will be well cared for! I guess my patients will just have to deal with an occasional cry, pumping break, etc...it's the price they will pay for having their surgeon to see them! Many of them know our struggles though and will LOVE seeing them! (I don't take care of contagious folks...thankfully!)
Best of luck with returning to work! I think balance is critical to life. In the end, it's not up to Dr. Laura. It's up to you and your husband. I have no doubt that you are and will continue to be amazing parents and will make the best decisions for your family!
Hi Flygirl,
I can imagine that this is hard. Being in the workforce for so long and having a job that gives you a lot of personal satisfaction makes things trickier. For me, when the time comes some day, I plan to stay home, but who knows if I'll miss work. My best friend thinks that I'll need a part time gig for the mental stimulation.
But, just remember that nothing is permanent and if you find it's too tough on you, you can adjust your plan. The right balance will be become apparent to you.
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