A New Year, A New Start...

So, it's December 31st and I am ready for a new start. Going to give this blogging thing another chance...

Here's the 60-second synopsis of our September (3rd IVF) cycle...

Donor's cycle was off-the-charts: 42 follicles, 28 eggs, 22 mature, lots fertilized, ended up with 17 viable embryos. Transferred 2, froze 15

The Tests: First beta had us excited. It was 240 at 9dp5dt and kept rising 150% the first several betas. E2 and P4 started strong too. Finally - maybe, just maybe, success!

The Night Before My U/S: IVF women are crazy - we'll try almost anything if we hear it worked for someone else. Spin around three times clockwise and three counter-clockwise right after your feet touch the floor in the morning? I can do that! Only clip your fingernail when the moon is 1/4 full and rising in the southwest? Why not? As time goes on, the suggested remedies get more extreme: Hang dried moose poop over our bed for 30-nights? No problem! Drink a concoction that tastes like a combination of mustard and peanut butter? Sign me up!

Yes - I had tried accupuncture  - got a BFN - then got a BFP on my subsequent cycle without acupuncture, then went back to acupuncture for this latest cycle and got a BFP. Did acupuncture have anything to do with it? Not sure...but don't think so.

One day, I came across an interview with a leading hypnofertility specialist. A couple months later, I read a blog written by a woman who had been through 6 IVFs and cycled at my clinic. She saw this same hypnofertility expert and her 7th IVF cycle was finally "THE ONE".  Not only that, but this specialist was right here, in my own hometown! BINGO!!!! It's definitely a sign and ssomething I can do to finally take control!!!

So, we shelled out another mini-mountain of money for four sessions. I used three and still had one left...again, maybe this was meant to be! The night before my u/s, as she put me into a relaxing trance, I swear I could feel the baby inside of me. I was 100%  positive we would see a miracle on the u/s screen in a little over 12 hours later. I went to bed dreaming of the baby growing inside me.

The End: Like before, P4 started dropping. Doctor S was not worried and even told me "You "ARE" going to have this baby." By the time we got to the first ultrasound, the heartbeat was so faint that only the u/s tech could see it. They told me to stay on the drugs one more week - just to be sure. This week was worse than anything I had experienced in my life. Each day the tears flowed freely just waiting for it to be over already. I finally had a D&C on November 3.

The hormones and disappointment was so bad that I cried constantly for about 3 more weeks - until one day there were no more tears left. Then, I went to Italy for two weeks...and indulged - woke up late every morning, ate pasta or pizza every day, lingered in the museums.

A la "Under the Tuscan Sun" and "Eat, Pray, Love", what is it about Italy (especially Tuscany) that helps American women begin to heal their spirit and rediscover life? I'm sure the pear and ricotta ravioli in creme sauce and a daily dose of gellato didn't hurt!

What's happened since?
I guess IVF is like baseball  and court - they go by the 3-strike rule. Women have to suffer through 3 miscarriages before the insurance companies will take you seriously and pay for testing. Never mind the years and years of therapy it will take us to get over our "broken" bodies! Grrrrr!

What might be different if women were the CEO's of insurance companies - espeically a couple that have travelled this road only to find failure? Ok...rant for another day...

Getting back to the story, we tested the tissue of our last fetus and it came back as a normal female. I know some of  you are thinking - normal female doesn't mean a conclusive result because it was probably my own tissue. Whether that's the case or not - I am going to trust my geneticist (whom I adore) and believe in my mind that the test was conclusive.

Next, they ran a full thrombophilia panel on me. My results showed positive for MTHFR genes (with normal homocystine - which means that the MTHFR shouldn't have an effect on pregnancy) and positive for Lupus Anticoagulant.

In a nutshell, this means that the nutrition a placenta needs to sustain itself isn't getting where it needs to be. In simpler terms - my fetus' are being smothered and starved to death.

My geneticist said that if I were his daughter, he'd advise me to give it one more shot but, if it doesn't work - think about another way to find our children. In one meeting, Dr. S said that he didn't believe in autoimmune issues, but he's willing to put me on Lovenox (a blood thinner) for one more try.  In a subsequent meeting, I related the "one more shot" theory to him and he said - you're giving up much easier than me. You 've got lots of frosties and that will give you lots of tries. HELLO?!!! REMEMBER THERE'S A BODY WE PUMP FULL OF DRUGS  ATTACHED TO THE UTERUS!!! NOT TO MENTION THE EVER-SHRINKING BANK ACCOUNT!!!

Where are we today?
We've decided to give it one more shot with a two-embryo FET cycle scheduled for January 21.

I could have cycled on the 18th, but the 21st is a Friday (so don't have to explain to work about taking off  to do bedrest again) and it was my Grandfather's birthday (he passed several years ago).

 I was on BCPs since December 9th, started back on a daily pre-natal vitamin and baby aspirin (will be on the aspirin for the rest of my life due to my clotting issues), added two daily super-chared B4, B6, B12, and Folate pills. Started Lupron shots in mid-December.

My AF arrived right on time, so all systems are go to really start getting into gear on New Year's Day - decrease lupron  to 5mg tomorrow and start on estrogen patches.

Emotionally, I'm really struggling with getting excited about this cycle. I feel like I'm going through the motions...

Like most women going through IVF, I've become obsessive and need to have a plan for the future. So, my husband and I started taking action in December.

We attended a foster-care orientation and that only further convinced me that I am not foster-care-parent material. Still, we are going to go through the training because it can only increase our knowledge to become parents.

I also convinced my husband to start going back to church on Sundays. I'd describe my own beliefs as somewhere between atheist and agnostic -but have no objections to raising our child catholic as long as my husband bears the brunt of the responsibility. To get him started, I agreed to go to church with him. After Church, he sat down with a deacon to ask what the procedure was to join the parrish (from what we got out of our conversation, all you have to do is fill out a form and you're in).

Eventually, the conversation quickly turned to children and we mentioned that we've struggled to start our family (without giving details). The deacon turned to us and said "I think I can help! We have anatural family planning class starting early next year that teaches you things like how to time your relations." An angel must have been sitting on my shoulder that day because I think I was successful in hiding my hysterical laughter! That one goes down with the doctor who asks a long-time infertility patient how she plans to handle birth control after she finally decides to call it quits!

We did meet with an adoption attorney who is very experienced in our state and he gave us hope. He referred us to another private adoption agency and we met with the director yesterday. It costs a fortune - but what doesn't in this business, right?

I haven't admitted this to anyone yet, but I am more confident about working with this agency than about my upcoming FET cycle. My husband and I agreed that we're going to submit our applicatoin next week - no matter what happens.

I can't help but think that Murphy's Law will come into play and we'll end up pregnant as we go through the adoption process (maybe even with twins  - in which case we'll withdraw our application)...fingers crossed that we'll be so lucky.

A toast to 2011! Cheers!