Back in December, my husband and I attended an orientation session for our county's foster care system. This led us to enroll in the program to attend the training and potentially become foster parents.
From the get-go, I told my husband that it would have to be a very, very special situation for us to take a foster care infant or toddler into our home. I admire the people who have the time, patience, and resources to care for a child that's been neglected, abused, etc. - but I do not want to start our family through such precarious circumstances. My husband understands, but convinced me that attending the training would be good for us - and I agreed. So far, they've drilled into us - "It's all about the child, it's all about the child, it's all about the child."
Last night's session was about the disruption and pain children face when they are moved from home-to-home.
The training is led by a married woman named Jill who suffered through infertility, had a newborn named Sebastian brought to her home and, eventually, the newborn was returned to his father. When Jill and her husband accepted Sebastian into their home, they were told that the chances for adoption were excellent - as the parents already had their older daughter taken away and put up for adoption.
Last night the birthfather (Aaron) came to speak...
He talked about how he was one of three boys raised in a middle-class household where drugs and alcohol were the choice to cope and it didn't take long before he fell into that lifestyle too (translation: we all have choices. No one forced the drugs into his body - he "chose" that lifestyle). He left his own family and lived on his own stating when he was 14 and struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for many years.
When he turned 19, he had his first daughter out of wedlock (Hannah) with a drug-addicted girl. When the birthmother delivered Hannah in the hospital, she tested positive for drugs and the baby was immediately put up for adoption.
Aaron and this girl continued their relationship and thought having another baby would solve their problems - so they did. The birthmother tested positive for meth in the hospital and this is when Sebastian was put into the care of Jill and her husband.
For about a year, Aaron went through the county programs and met the requirements to regain custody of Sebastian. It wasn't long before he was back into the drugs and alcohol. Neighbors called, but Aaron was able to flush his body enough to pass the drug tests each time. One day, he didn't pass the drug tests and Sebastian was taken from him again. Instead of returning to Jill and her husband, Aaron's mother agreed to take custody.
Aaron moved from Colorado to Montana, but continued with the drugs and alcohol. One day,. he was driving drunk and caused an accident that nearly killed him and his best friend. This was his wake-up call to finally get clean and sober. He spent seven months in a rehab program and Sebastian was returned to him again. Aaron now speaks at these classes to show that a parent can be rehabilitated.
Last night was his one-year anniversary of his graduation from the rehab program. Jill and Aaron have kept a close relationship. They were hugging and the entire class was having a love-fest party celebrating the occasion. I sat there in stunned silence wanting to scream out at everyone around me - how can you celebrate this?!!! You took this child, tore him away from the only parents he knew as a newborn baby, and put him in the hands of a young, single father who needed to nearly kill himself to give half a damn? WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!
While I am sure most people would have found Aaron's story inspirational, my blood was boiling and I wanted to pinch Aaron's head off. Let's face it. In this case, Aaron was nothing more than a sperm donor who could produce children.Was it really in the best interest for him remove his child from a stable, loving, two-parent household who could have given Sebastian a wonderful life? No!!!
I wish that he understood one minuscule fraction of what a person like me any my husband have been through to have a child. The shots, the mood swings, the headaches, the feeling crappy - all to see it end in another heartbreaking scenario where the surgeon has to scrape my uterus, yet again...
Foster parents should have to take infertility sensitivity training - maybe then some of them would realize "It is all about the child."
3 comments:
I'd like to punch his head off too!! I am equally angered....
That is infuriating; I would be mad, too. It seems like no matter what, they try to have the kid end up with a birth parent. Although different, it's kind of like that Ted Williams guy....everyone wants to give him a chance with that magical voice....many lucrative offers, etc, but this guy has been on drugs and alcohol for decades, you can't just change that over night. Now he's checked himself into rehab. I'm all about giving people a second chance, but in this case and the one you present, a leopard seldom changes it's spots. My blood would have been boiling, too.
I totally agree with your perspective. I was just watching an episode of "Intervention" in which a young women, who was also a heroin addict, found herself pregnant. She got clean but then overdosed and died when she was 20 weeks pregnant. I feel so angry that pregnancy can come so easily for someone like her and we have to go through so much. Ugh ugh ugh. It would be even more difficult to have to look the idiot in the face, as you had to do. Just know that you are not alone in your opinion.
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