When we started our DE cycle, there were so many unknowns. Would the donor take her meds as prescribed (she "lost" a pack of birth control pills that we were asked to replace), would she produce a high number of follicles, would the follicles fertilize and become embryos, would the embryos thrive enough to transfer, would we have embryos to freeze?
As anyone who has been through this process knows, past success does not guarantee future success. I've read posts of women who went with a proven donor whose donated multiple times to only end up with none, one or two viable embryos. In our case, the donor was young (24) had three children of her own (and one miscarriage), but never donated before.
Somehow, we lucked out on all accounts. Our donor had 42 follicles, 28 mature eggs, and in the end we ended up with 17 viable embryos.
We transferred two in our first cycle and three in our second cycle (which resulted in our twins), so we now have 12 embryos sitting in the freezer.
When we started our cycle, they asked us what we wanted to do with any extra embryos. At the time, it was akin to asking, "What would you like to eat for your first meal when you take a vacation to Mars in 2090?" It was such a far-fetched question that we could hardly fathom being in that position - so we checked some boxes on the paperwork and merrily rolled along.
Now that the trip to Mars has become reality - we hit the Powerball jackpot of life and are done building our family. So, what to do with the embryos?
We know our embryos are very viable and it seems a shame to destroy them or donate them to science. Having lived through this experience, my DH and I agree that we would like to donate our embryos to give another couple (or two) the chance to become parents.
We could donate them through our RE's program - but they insist on the donation being completely anonymous and I'm not comfortable with that. Ideally, I'd like to know if my kids have siblings and, in a perfect world, maybe even have all the kids have some type of relationship.
Anyway, shortly after New Year's we started to look for a deserving couple and have been flooded with responses. It's been so overwhelming that I've been unable to make a decision, done nothing, and am feeling extremely guilty. As an IVF patient, I know how many hurdles you have to jump through...and I've only delayed the process for a child coming into the world.
I've received emails from a wide variety of potential recipients - single parents, same-sex couples, a couple who have their MBAs from Harvard, couples who are in their very late 40's whose timeline is near the end, a young woman who has agreed to be a recipient for her sister and brother-in-law, couples with dogs who want to start families, couples who have lots of nieces and nephews, couples who come from small families, couples who love to travel, couples from large cities, couples from small towns, couples who live overseas - you name it, we've received it.
My husband is pretty much willing to go with whatever I decide, but I feel overwhelmed.
This is a huge responsibility and now I am starting to waffle. What if I make the wrong decision? Would I really be better not knowing the recipients? Would we be better not donating at all?
I realize no one has a crystal ball or can tell the future, but I do have some strong opinions, such as a couple who has no other children and has been married for many years.
I wish I could know that the kids would be raised by a couple who is fully committed to one another and will continue to have a wonderful relationship throughout the kids' lifetimes. Being wealthy is not a requirement, but being financially stable and savvy is. To me, I would rather give our kids "experiences" (such as the opportunity to travel) vs. stuff, and I would hope that any couple I select would have similar values. Education is important to us, but if I select a couple with Ivy League educations, will the pressure on the kids be too much? So many unknowns.
Am I opening a Pandora's box that should remain shut?
Oh decisions, decisions, decisions...
14 comments:
Newbie - I am so glad you saw my post. Sometimes when people reply to one of my posts late, I miss their reply. Feel free to reach out to me anytime if you want to talk twins - it's one of my very favorite subjects!
Oh thank you for the generous offer, I will definitely take you up on that sometime!
I can't believe how many people responded to you, it must be extremely overwhelming! Is it crazy to split the embryos since you have so many among 2 couples? Not that that solves the problem, but at least you get to choose more than one.
It was very generous of you to take this step and I wish you the best of luck with your decision. No matter who you choose you will be doing a good deed!
I would love love love to hear more about how you went about finding these couples. Did you use Miracles Waiting or some other ad-type service?
I have 5 CGH-normal beautiful blastocysts in the freezer, and we will only be having two, or maximally three, more children... so it's very likely that we'll be looking for a recipient for our embryos, too. Like you, anonymity feels not-quite-right, since I'd like at the least to be able to answer any genetic questions that might come up for the family and their kids (I didn't use donor eggs).
So, while it's a ways off yet, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I would love to hear more about which organizations you've contacted, what the application process looks like, and how you end up deciding. Regardless of what you choose, I think you'll be making an amazing gift happen for another family!
We used DE too and we have our jackpot twins now so WE ARE DONE! We've put some thought into donating the embryos too. DH doesn't seem to care either way but I keep reminding him that its his genetic material out there, not mine. I, too, would love for my twins to know these future genetic siblings. Good luck and let me know how it goes. BTW, where did you post your interest?
Wow...huge, huge decision Flygirl. I have so much respect for you for doing this. I think it would be such a hard decision and would almost be easier not to donate but donating is such a generous thing to do. I'm not surprised...knowing what I know about you, you seem to be a very kind-hearted, generous person. Lots of luck in your decision making - you're a good person :)
Wow!!!! Your post is sooo timely. I think about our frosties from time to time and the last time was recently on Thursday. Thanks for all this info...its a SUPER complicated decision and I know that you will make the right one very soon. Are you use an agency? Which one? And I had the thought to email CCRM asking them if our donor ever donated again and if so could they contact the recipient couple (only if had live baby) to see if they would welcome contact with us so that our babies could grow up and get to know each other since they would share the same DNA and also to swap medical history...but our donor only donated once. I am relieved and also at the same time a little sad about this. Anywhoo...thats another blog post I might delve into later. But wow...I am NOT surprised one bit that you and DH are offering your embies for adoption. I was wondering what CCRM's adoption embryo program was...and like you...would not welcome an annonymous donation.
Such a amazing, wonderful thing what you are doing.
I've given a lot of thought to this, in case I ever do IVF. My biggest fear would be the same ones you have--- would anybody I gave the embies to be good parents? Parents who are going to be accepting of who their kids are and just giving support, instead of being tiger moms/dads? I've though about what I'd do in such a situation myself, so what I would do is remain anonymous, but create a questionnaire for any prospective parents, or ask them to write an essay or something, so I can get a better idea on their personality and what they would be like as parents.
Best of luck!
Having no experience in this matter, I can't help but hope that you'll just know when the "right" couple(s) come along! Good luck making these tough decisions...
Thank you for all your replies and kind words. For those of you who asked, we put an ad on Miracles Waiting, as going through an agency just didn't feel right to me.
Another couple things to know about CCRM's donor program - they would require my DH to go through extensive testing again, we'd have to go through psychological counseling, and even after all this, they hold onto the embryos for a year before donating them anonymously.
Michelle, I have thought the same thing...how would I feel if I knew that I would have other genetic children "out there?" Would it change my feelings? I don't know...
What I think it really comes down to at this point is that we know how hard we had to work to bring these children into our lives. Through this process, we've seen so many other couples who struggle with infertility and it shouldn't be that way.
We know how much our kids mean to us and we now have have the chance to make another couple's dreams come true (or maybe even more than one couple). The money is already spent and the embryos are just sitting there. What better way to change the word in our own small way?
What a beautiful gift you will give someone. My heart literally smiled reading this post. I'd like to think that if we were ever in your shoes that we would do the same. Thank you for being part of what makes this ALI community such an amazing place.
I have no words of advice as we are still in the trenches. But wanted you to know how much I admire you and your decision. As a waiting family hoping to adopt a newborn, we hope that an expectant mother will feel that we are a right fit. I never thought about the process of embyro donation having so many of the same emotions and feelings. You've given me an interesting perspective to consider. Thank you for that.
Patience, I appreciate your comment. I have seen so many couples adopt too and somehow it all works out. I hope your miracle baby finds you soon!
I hear ya! Very well said. Coincidentally, I got my CCRM "freezer" bill for $300. DH and I discussed it and he agreed to let me explore the known donation options during this year. I love my babies dearly and I'd love to make another couple's dreams come true. I would, however, like my twins to someday be able to meet their genetic siblings. Or at least have the option to...
I love what you're doing? How beautiful.....and brave. Your heart will tell you who's right...once your mind becomes clear (guilt free and less overwhelmed). You will make the difference in someone's life. I truly honor you for that.
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