Could use some advice from you sagious women...
When we first started our IVF journey, we were EXTREMELY private about it. Only me and my DH knew.
As each cycle failed and I needed support, I became more open with my Mom and Dad. As some of you may recall, we didn't even tell them that we were travelling to Prague when we did our first IVF cycle - we told them it was a vacation. We had to tell them for the 2nd Prague cycle because they'd wonder why we were going back only 4 months later. My Dad, who never owned a passport and his idea of going out of the country is having a margarita at a Mexican restaurant, shocked me by saying he wanted to come to Prague with me.
My last M/C in November hit me really hard, so I sometimes called them as I was grieving.
Even though I've asked my Mom and Dad (they're divorced and live cross-country from eachother) to keep any news I tell them to themselves, it ALWAYS ends up being broadcast among family and their friends.
For example, I attended a family funeral in January and my aunt started asking me questions about our infertility journey. I am certain she didn't get the news from me. Later my Mom admitted she told her sister.
For this cycle I have tried to be extremely vague. Sending occasional e-mails like "Hi, We got some tests results back today and so far, so good."
My Dad called a couple days after I got back my first HCG and asked "How are you feeling?" I new the real question was "Am I a grandpa yet?"
My HCG was in the 150's (much lower than the 200-300 that usually indicates twins), and I was a bit discouraged because I thought only one embryo took. So, I told him that my tests came back positive, but I was being cautious about being too optimistic yet because we typically m/c in these first few weeks. Three days later I get a worried call from my Mom asking me if things had failed because she heard through my sister (who is currently pregnant with her 2nd and I am not close with) that things were not going so well. - so I had to explain that the tests came back positive and so far, the tests indicate we're pregnant.
So, I talked to my Mom today and she flat out asked when my 1st u/s is scheduled. Not thinking on my feet, I told her Friday (instead of saying "soon" or "I don't know yet"). Now that she knows, I assume she's going to ask me if it's more than one.
Do I flat-out lie and tell her it's only one, do I say we saw at least one heartbeat and that's all you need to know right now, or do I tell her the truth and then suffer through the embarassment if one or both don't make it?
What would you do?
6 comments:
Flygirl...your parents are probably feeling so incredibly anxious for information because they do know snipets. When they hear the news is not good they then seek support elsewhere as they come to grips and/or try to soften the blow for when worse comes to worse. And they are probably even more curious because all of this foreign to them. So my vote is to be honest with them. You can tell them to keep it private like I did with my mom but I know now she kept it anything but quiet because she was grieving/anxious too and needed to tap into her support. So its tough but I think if someone knows snipets of information that just drives their anxiety higher and thus its probably best to be upfront with them. They are afterall family...life's unperfect yet perfect support system. And look at it this way...if they tell other family members...well that's less people you have to tell. Take care.
It's a tough call...but now that the cat is out of the bag, honesty might be best. You can always try to not offer any information unless it's asked, and once you do tell the details, be sure to express how important it is for you for it to be confidential. That you don't need your sister or aunt asking you questions. Are your parents on email? You can always send an email that all is well instead of talking on the phone. A little far etched, but an option if you really don't want the interigation. Or, leave a message on the answering machine..."all is good mom...going out right now so have a good weekend!" at this time in your life, seeing and hearing these heartbeats, this is your time, and be as selfish as you want. Enjoy it all the way, and remember that you make the rules.
Thanks for the advice!
I was in the exact same boat. It was twins as well. And I figured we would share the news. Because I looked at it this way... I wanted to share in the good news while we had it. If anything did take a turn for the worse, I would need them to surround me and help me through any loss. And boy am I happy I did. When we lost B, I needed my family to keep me strong. Just my 2 cents! Hoping though you only get to share great news!
Hmm...this is tough because they seem to be really interested and know a fair amount about the process. We went with vague and since neither my parents or Mr.Right's mother are big questioners that worked for us. Maybe you can keep them updated with events but not the numbers and the implications? And I wouldn't feel embarrassed at all. And if you do go with 'we saw a heartbeat' instead of 'heartbeats' and it turns out there are two, they'll be so excited by the news when they do find out that they'll never blame you for not telling before!
Wow. Tough situation. I can certainly understand why you're hesitant to share details with them when you know they will likely reveal them to other people.
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